tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11448579740326252312024-03-13T09:41:26.982-07:00Our miracle twins after a stillbirth...<br>
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Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He will do it.
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Ps. 37:4-5Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.comBlogger58125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-56792283425196437352011-09-30T20:17:00.000-07:002011-09-30T20:17:50.394-07:00Reflections<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">It has been so long since I have posted on this blog, but I thought it would be nice to come back and write another post. Here I am, almost four years later. It's like I'm a whole other world away. The last few years have been such an emotional rollercoaster and I've experienced more grief and sadness and more joy than I ever thought possible. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"><br />
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Saying goodbye to all three of my girls was indescribably horrific and sad and unfair and welcoming my miracle son into this world was amazing. I wasn't sure that life would get easier but it has. That doesn't mean I don't think about my girls, because I still think about them every single day. I wonder what it would be like if Benjamin had older sisters running around. I wonder about what their hair color would be and how they would have cute little braids or pigtails. I wonder if they would look like me or their dad. Sometimes an overwhelming sense of sadness still comes over me and I cry for no reason other than I miss them. But life does go on and I just continue to try and find a place for them in a world where they are no longer present.<br />
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The only reason I have not ended up in a loony bin over these last few years is because God brought us through it all. Even when I felt hopeless, He was right there holding my head above water and giving me comfort. I came to realize that trying to find an answer as to why these things happened will drive a person crazy so I stopped asking why. I just look forward to the day when I get to see them all again and it will all make sense. All I can do now is share my testimony and hope that I can give some comfort to others. There is a quote and two verses that have really spoken to my husband and I, which I am sharing below. I can only hope that God will be glorified by how we live our lives and how we choose to use this sorrow to help others. </span></span><br />
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</span></span><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30472" style="line-height: normal; vertical-align: text-top;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">6</span></span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"> Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. </span></span><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30473" style="line-height: normal; vertical-align: text-top;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">7</span></span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"> Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. </span></span><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30474" style="line-height: normal; vertical-align: text-top;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">8</span></span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"> Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. </span></span><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30475" style="line-height: normal; vertical-align: text-top;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">9</span></span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"> Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. </span></span><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30476" style="line-height: normal; vertical-align: text-top;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">10</span></span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"> And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.<br />
1 Pet. 5:6-10<br />
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</span></span><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-28804" style="line-height: normal; vertical-align: text-top;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">3</span></span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"> Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, </span></span><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-28805" style="line-height: normal; vertical-align: text-top;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">4</span></span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"> who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. </span></span><sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-28806" style="line-height: normal; vertical-align: text-top;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">5</span></span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"> For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.<br />
2 Cor. 1:3-5</span></span><br />
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</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">“Seldom does God use a person greatly who has not been hurt deeply.” ~A.W. Tozer</span></span></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu5yRZLaW-w9N5Rev6wSsFqc54Tp5SnyqhNkdBCK_fIobper7UDivJoSzAaFgjldvNyEsDGJ5tASNcl1SRQYwwy5scAax9I_gisVGArwZfz-0HE9_1yNX4u_ae_QTfQzXOZUOiW0fGWJcW/s1600/MakennaAlexisAshlen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu5yRZLaW-w9N5Rev6wSsFqc54Tp5SnyqhNkdBCK_fIobper7UDivJoSzAaFgjldvNyEsDGJ5tASNcl1SRQYwwy5scAax9I_gisVGArwZfz-0HE9_1yNX4u_ae_QTfQzXOZUOiW0fGWJcW/s320/MakennaAlexisAshlen.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span>Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-89907324049367188322009-06-14T16:22:00.001-07:002009-06-14T16:24:39.353-07:00UpdateI'm not even sure if people really check in here anymore, but thought I would post an update. I am finally ready (well, as ready as I'll ever be) to announce to the world that I am pregnant again. I am currently 12 weeks and my due date is 12/26. I started a new blog in case anyone would like to follow my journey, hopefully with a happy ending this time.<br /><br />http://ourrainbowafterthestorm.blogspot.com/Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-31095912746991373412009-05-01T17:50:00.000-07:002009-05-01T18:01:05.671-07:00Walk UpdateThank you everyone for your support on the March for Babies walk. Rob, my mom, and I went last Saturday and it was a great day. Thanks you all of you, we exceeded our goal! The weather was beautiful and capitol park was lovely. Here is a picture of Rob and I in front of the capitol.<br /><center><a href="http://s171.photobucket.com/albums/u294/robnjencline/?action=view&current=MarchforBabies.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u294/robnjencline/MarchforBabies.jpg" alt="March for Babies" border="0" /></a></center><br /><br />You may also be able to make out the tattoo on my arm in the above picture, so here is a better view. I got this last month and it is the names of our three girls in Hebrew, in their birth order.<br /><center><a href="http://s171.photobucket.com/albums/u294/robnjencline/?action=view&current=NewTattoo.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u294/robnjencline/NewTattoo.jpg" alt="Girls Names" border="0" /></a></center>Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-18952286330683145402009-02-10T19:42:00.000-08:002009-02-10T19:45:20.998-08:00March For BabiesSo Rob and I are going to walk in the March For Babies walk in Sacramento this April, in memory of our daughters. The March of Dimes mission is<span section="chapHead"><span class="eventblue2"> to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. </span></span>If you'd like to support this cause, please consider sponsoring us by making a donation.<br /><br />http://www.marchforbabies.org/teamclineJenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-52684963779107317522009-02-04T17:26:00.000-08:002009-02-05T15:36:29.375-08:00Three months ago...I can't believe it has been three months since I delivered my little girls! It seems like I was just pregnant, and sometimes I can't believe I'm not. I miss them so much. I also can't believe that I've been pregnant for 12 months and still have no babies. I would probably be delivering them any day now, since I should be almost 36 weeks right now. It seems like everyone that I know is having a baby or pregnant right now, even though I know that's not true.<br /><br />My OB says that I can start trying again next month, which I really want to do, but it completely freaks me out still. I just wonder what in the heck I would do if I lost another baby. Is it possible that I could give birth to four babies and still come home with zero? I already feel like I'm 'that poor girl' who can't seem to have babies. I'm the girl that people know and feel sorry for because I can't bring home a baby. The girl people look at with pity and are secretly thinking how glad they are that this didn't happen to them. I just don't want to be that girl anymore...Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-46510155588405527552009-02-02T17:58:00.000-08:002009-02-02T18:07:17.735-08:00The results are in...Well, I've had 5 doctor appointments since the delivery, 2 with a perinatologist and 3 with my OB. They are disagreeing slightly about what happened, but the general conclusion is that I had a partial placental abruption with Alexis, which is why I was bleeding so much. A placental abruption means that the placenta started to tear away from the wall of uterus, causing bleeding. This bleeding caused irritation, which gave me some early contractions. I also then went from not dilated at all to dilated within just a few days, with no other contractions, hence the diagnosis of incompetent cervix. They don't know what caused the abruption, especially since I was really taking it easy, but there is a higher risk with twins. I am also told that the chances of it happening again are about 15%. Great. If it does happen, there is also really nothing you can do about it.<br /><br />My peri isn't quite sure if I have IC and doesn't want to rush into a cerclage, but instead wants to monitor me once a week, starting at 14 weeks. The problem is, if I truly do have IC and don't get the cerclage, even monitoring once a week could be not enough. My OB is convinced I have IC and does not want to take any chances, so I will be getting a cerclage next time and will then be on bedrest starting at 14 weeks. I feel much better about this, because I have to do everything that I possibly can do to bring home a baby.Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-89176588854713578632008-12-31T11:30:00.000-08:002008-12-31T11:34:06.690-08:00ChristmasWell, I got through Christmas, but it was the worst Christmas of my life. My dad passed away unexpectedly on the evening of Christmas. What a shock that was to me...and still is. I honestly thought this year couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. The only consulation I get from this is knowing that he is with my three girls right now. I absolutely cannot wait until 2009 and I don't ever want to look back. Good riddance 2008.Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-3683897234381965992008-12-15T19:13:00.000-08:002008-12-16T17:20:50.719-08:00A Year Ago Today...Today is exactly one year since our daughter Makenna was stillborn. Here is a link to my post on her blog.<br /><br /><a href="http://makennahope.blogspot.com/">http://makennahope.blogspot.com</a>Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-53158469747354252862008-12-08T16:09:00.001-08:002008-12-08T16:54:13.845-08:00Thank youI just got an amazing gift and wanted to say thank you and since I don't know how to reach this person, this is the only way that I know how to do it. I just received some beautiful wind chimes that has all three of our daughter's names engraved on the center piece. This was sent by a women who is a total stranger and was sent our blog by a friend of a friend and was following our story.<br /><br />Thank you for so much for the beautiful gift, card, and prayers and for reaching out to a total stranger. I am truly touched by this!<br /><br />While I'm at it, thank you to everyone that has reached out to us. Thank you for the cards, meals, flowers, and gifts. We really do appreciate it. Thank you for calling, even though I probably don't call you back (I've always been really bad at that). Thank you for putting up with my moods. Thank you BBC ladies for being so generous and amazing. Over a month later, when many people have already forgotten, so many of you have not and that means a lot.Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-9109136158465171922008-12-07T20:31:00.000-08:002008-12-07T20:52:46.552-08:00I wanted to post a few pictures of what I have for the girls. I made a shadow box with the molds of their footprints and the hats that they wore in the hospital. I'm not sure that it's completely done yet because I may paint part of the molds so that the feet stand out more, but I'm not sure. I also may put their names on the molds, but Alexis is on the left (she had Rob's toes) and Ashlen is on the right (with my toes).<br /><a href="http://s171.photobucket.com/albums/u294/robnjencline/?action=view&current=DSC_8795.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" src="http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u294/robnjencline/DSC_8795.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br />We finally got the girls ashes from the funeral home the other day and they are in the silver box in the picture below. I had two keepsake boxes that I bought for their ashes, but then all of my BBC friends, who are totally awesome, sent me some gifts, one of which was the keepsake box below. Rob and I loved it because it had the two hearts on top and then we could put their ashes together in one box. I had their names and the date engraved on the heart as well. I also took all of the cards we've received and tied a ribbon around them and am going to leave them out. The two angels and the angel ornament were also gifts from a friend and family.<br /><br /><a href="http://s171.photobucket.com/albums/u294/robnjencline/?action=view&current=DSC_8796.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" src="http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u294/robnjencline/DSC_8796.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br />So I go back to work in a little over a week and I guess it's time. I have been keeping myself busy though by helping out Rob a ton with the business and packing up our stuff. We move into the new house at the first of the year and we are really excited. It just feels like a fresh start, I guess. So another year down. I really hope the last two years are the worst years that I ever have. I'm not sure how much more heartache I can take. Rob and I have talked a lot about losing the girls and for some reason, it is just so much harder this time. We really are doing better though, considering. Out of all of the special powers we could have, I have always wanted to be able to see the future. If I could just see our family in the future and know that we were able to have kids, I could just breath a sigh of relief. Until then, I'm holding my breath.Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-88290557086979021472008-11-19T16:34:00.000-08:002008-11-19T16:58:54.730-08:00Names in the SandSo my best friend, Kristen, passed along this website to me from someone in her family. This family in Australia lost their son and now write names in the sand on the beach for families that have also lost children. I thought this was so cool. I think I'm going to have to frame these...they're beautiful!<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiccqfx0B_jocVrZny_EgIubp9YIaq2os2GuKhqgdPnz1kAomNbAY1HqzqfaGWliDhZwSk_1AvLrssLsdaKI9Sf7Qhyphenhyphenqct6hcdsSdnFTUcj4NIvJORrqbvohQqsNVrRW90_W1WXWD7vsHk1/s1600-h/Ashlen1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270534239664632210" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiccqfx0B_jocVrZny_EgIubp9YIaq2os2GuKhqgdPnz1kAomNbAY1HqzqfaGWliDhZwSk_1AvLrssLsdaKI9Sf7Qhyphenhyphenqct6hcdsSdnFTUcj4NIvJORrqbvohQqsNVrRW90_W1WXWD7vsHk1/s320/Ashlen1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1EFaQfhdK0xusDX2PTqOMQz7szghe8KMprtxfCFHnSjzZ8-AEc8wsWAxG9WQDRhI5YL8Aa8PIarUHzsmnduo2Hom7Cm7PAAQ92UzvEPfrSERda4WDts_vWzyIKm5W_eFQiuFYQ_Ymsh_r/s1600-h/Alexis.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270534235156921698" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 237px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1EFaQfhdK0xusDX2PTqOMQz7szghe8KMprtxfCFHnSjzZ8-AEc8wsWAxG9WQDRhI5YL8Aa8PIarUHzsmnduo2Hom7Cm7PAAQ92UzvEPfrSERda4WDts_vWzyIKm5W_eFQiuFYQ_Ymsh_r/s320/Alexis.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVDsWhUU9wokvSv4U6KflXOOIpzpiFDZl550X98kk3xW283dnZmBIiDr81fkR1c5v3zToP4l7v_-D6zRKa-VeytzKBnsv8Lmo2LT4rJbUttzIYtiPJMJtsWu313zu4DB-1GMc_RfpPWGSb/s1600-h/Makenna.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270534233814121138" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVDsWhUU9wokvSv4U6KflXOOIpzpiFDZl550X98kk3xW283dnZmBIiDr81fkR1c5v3zToP4l7v_-D6zRKa-VeytzKBnsv8Lmo2LT4rJbUttzIYtiPJMJtsWu313zu4DB-1GMc_RfpPWGSb/s320/Makenna.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/11/makenna-hope-alexis-cailen-and-ashlen.html">http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/11/makenna-hope-alexis-cailen-and-ashlen.html</a>Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-67786889988263860262008-11-11T12:57:00.001-08:002008-11-11T13:02:34.278-08:00Slideshow<embed width="448" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://s171.photobucket.com/flash/remix/player.swf?videoURL=http://vid171.photobucket.com/albums/u294/robnjencline/the%20twins/0f8ca788.pbr&hostname=stream171.photobucket.com"></embed>Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-28859750340817302462008-11-10T13:02:00.001-08:002008-11-10T13:39:04.866-08:00Doctor AppointmentI went in for a follow up appointment today with my doctor, since he was actually gone when I delivered. He talked to all of the doctors and nurses and got caught up on everything in the meantime. He was pretty surprised to learn that 'they almost lost me', as he put it and was even more surprised that they released me from the hospital so soon, especially after all of the blood transfusions. He also thought I looked really pale, so he sent me for more bloodwork and gave me a different prescription for iron. He recommended counseling as well, which I think is a good idea, but we are going to contact our church to see if they have any recommendations first, since we'd really like to see a counselor that has the same beliefs as we do. I'll go back in another 4 weeks for more bloodwork and to make sure that I am physically healing.<br /><br />He also talked to us about future pregnancies, which may seem a little premature, but I did want to know what his thoughts were. He said I definitely need 3 months for my body to physically heal, which is also what I was told last time, so he said I could start trying again in February. Before I start trying, he is going to have me consult with a peri to make sure we are all on the same page with what to do next time. He said that his plan would be that I would get a preventative cerclage somewhere from 12-14 weeks and would then be on house/bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. In his 22 years of practice, he said he has never had a preventative cerclage fail and overall has only had only 1 cerclage fail, and it was an emergency cerclage placed after the woman had already started to dilate. He has also had women with IC pregnant with twins that had a successful cerclage and made it to term, which is good to know, in case I ever got pregnant with twins again.<br /><br />This does help me think that someday we will come home with a baby but just thinking about being pregnant again really freaks me out. I have such mixed feelings because on one hand, I want to be pregnant right away and on another, I never want to be pregnant ever again. I remember all of these emotions from last time, so I guess I know what to expect. I know that someday I will be able to talk about my girls and smile instead of cry, I will be able to laugh and not feel guilty, and I will be able to think about the future and be hopeful, but today is not that day. Maybe tomorrow...Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-70113205777963715052008-11-06T16:12:00.000-08:002008-11-06T17:11:53.089-08:0011/6 UpdateI decided that I will probably continue to update this blog, even though I may not have much to say. It could just turn into useless ramblings. Anyway, we came home from the hospital last night and it feels good to be home. The hospital monitored me overnight and all day and the doctor said everything looked good with me, so we could go home if we chose, or stay another night. We just wanted to get out of there.<br /><br />Standing up and walking again after in being in bed for 11 days is really strange. My poor muscles barely work and it's really hard to walk still. It gets a little easier each time and I did attempt to take a shower this morning. I say attempt because it ended with me blacked out, but still conscious, on the shower floor. Good thing I called Rob in as I was blacking out and he got to me right after I slipped down the wall. I guess I can't stand for long periods of time yet. Anyway, better luck tomorrow. I'm physically feeling ok, considering. I'm still in pain and everything but they're got me on a few meds that are certainly helping. I also look and feel like death. I checked my full self out in the mirror yesterday when we got home and it was not a pretty site...at all.<br /><br />I know some people are also wanting to know if our losses were related, and medically speaking, they were not. We lost Makenna for unknown reasons and will probably never know. At 23 weeks, her heart just stopped and it was confirmed during an ultrasound after I didn't feel her moving after a day. 50% of stillbirths are unexplained, so we never really got any closure from losing her and never will. I was scared during this whole pregnancy thinking that maybe they would just die for no reason, but apparently I had other things to worry about. It turns out that I now have Incompetent Cervix (IC), which means my cervix dilated early and I started going into pre-term labor. This then caused Premature Rupture of Membranes (PROM). With IC, this means that any future pregnancy will also be affected, so if I ever get pregnant again, I would need to have a cerclage (stitching the cervix closed) anywhere from 12-14 weeks pregnant and would be on some type of restricted activity or bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy. A cerclage is not 100% though and I could always go into pre-term labor again that could not be stopped and lose another baby.<br /><br />We went to the funeral home today to 'make arrangements' and it brought back so many horrible memories. At least the funeral home was really great and they don't charge for infants, so all we had to pay was the fee for the death certificates. Other places were trying to charge us anywhere from $300-$2000 per baby for cremation. Unbelievable.<br /><br />Today I have already gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. Everything from denial, to shock, to anger and sadness and I just remember how we're already done this all before. I am totally living out my worst nightmare all over again and I almost can't even comprehend it. I really truly believed with all of my heart that I was coming home with those little girls. It all just seems so unfair and I wonder how much can someone take? I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle and I wonder why in the world He thinks we can handle this. I pray that He will reveal to us why this happened, or at least show us the good that will come out of it. A verse from one of my favorite songs says 'the beauty of Grace is that it makes life not fair' and I try to remember that too. It seems like it shouldn't be too much to ask to just be able to bring home a baby. We want to be parents so bad and it's hard to see some people out there popping out kids like there's no tomorrow. It makes me very jealous. I'm also having irrational thoughts about what I could have done differently. I know this wasn't my fault, but I can't help but feel like me body keeps failing me. I just wonder how many babies my body is going to let die.<br /><br />I feel a lot of uncertainty about everything in my life right now but I do know a few things. First, I know that God loves us and wants us to be happy. I know that He will be by our sides through all of this if we just let Him. Second, I know that all 3 of my girls are happy as can be in heaven playing together and they must be so beautiful. I just can't wait until I get to see them all again.Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com42tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-57737146350441220352008-11-05T00:06:00.000-08:002008-11-05T16:25:11.912-08:0011/4-Delivery DayI'm really not even sure how to say this, but I did want to give an update, especially before I forget any details. Both of our little girls were born today and are now in heaven with their sister.<br /><br />Alexis's Story:<br />This afternoon, they couldn't stop my labor, but I was holding steady and they were doing regular monitoring. The plan was to still deliver Alexis and try to keep Ashlen in as long as possible. Alexis's heartbeat had started to waiver a little with contractions at one point, but the last time they checked it was going strong. Two hours later they couldn't find a heartbeat and then confirmed with an ultrasound that she had passed during labor. They immediately broke the bag of water that was still hanging and she was so low that after a few pushes, she was born. They cut the cord, put it back and hoped that the placenta did not deliver. My contractions stopped pretty quickly, so it was looking good and I wasn't bleeding that much. Then all of the sudden I started bleeding a huge amount and the doctor knew that we needed to deliver the placenta immediately to stop the bleeding. I didn't have any pain meds but he needed to work quickly to deliver the placenta because my blood pressure was dropping quickly. He basically had to use his hand to dig around and try to pull the placenta out, which I literally screamed bloody murder. They got an anethiesiologist in pretty quickly because he wasn't having luck getting the placenta out. At this point that also ordered 4cc's of blood for me stat. I had two working IV's in at the time, one in use, and one for this type of emergency. The anethiesiologist tried to give me a narcotic only to find out that both IV's literally just stopped working. It became a mad dash for two emergency IV's to be placed. They then wheeled me to an OR where the blood would arrive. By this time, I was in a ton of pain, had lost a ridiculous amount of blood and was going into shock. At one point I believe my blood pressure was somewhere around 80/40 (Rob corrected me and said my BP was in the mid 60's/40). I was shaking uncontrollably and was very cold. They were finally able to give me blood, which saved my life before I bled out and then gave me some narcotics so that my doctor could reach in and deliver the placenta. That is the last thing I remember for awhile. I woke up in a recovery room where I was being monitored for contractions. We were able to spend time with Alexis and take some pictures and she was beautiful. She weighed 14 oz and was 10 1/2 inches long.<br /><br />Ashlen's Story:<br />A little bit after I was being monitored in recovery, I started to get the shakes, which they said was normal after delivery. My contractions started to pick up again and in no time I felt pressure and needed to push. They rushed the doctors and NICU team in and after few pushes, Ashlen was born. They whisked her away and Rob went with her and then I delivered the placenta. (Rob also corrected me on this and said a doctor with hands twice his size had to reach in and reposition Ashlen before I could push her out because she was coming out back first. He also pulled out the placenta immediately after I delivered her.) Rob returned with bad news. She was alive but had no chance for survival. She was just too small for them to even work on her and her skin was so thin they couldn't even warm her up. I couldn't leave, so they brought her to us to spend her last moments with us. She was just perfect looking and was a little bigger than her sister. She weighed 1 pound and was 11 inches long. We spent time with both of them together and took some pictures of them. They then took us to a private L&D room where we held Ashlen until her heart stopped, about 2 hours after she was born.<br /><br />The hospital called in a volunteer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, which is a great organization that takes pictures of your child after they have passed. It's a free service and I think they did a great job and can't wait to see the pictures. We are so devastated right now and I think that I am probably still in a little bit of shock. The girls are sleeping in our room tonight and we will contact a funeral home tomorrow to make arrangements, which is all too familiar. No one should have to bury 3 babies. While I am on this earth, I will never understand why this has happened to us again. Even though they did not survive, they are still my miracle babies and I was blessed every second of every day that I was pregnant with them. I am so grateful for every movement that I felt and that Rob was able to feel them too. I just find myself asking why this all couldn't have just happened a few short weeks later, and they would probably still be here or how this could have even happened. I truly thought that we would bring them home. It is hard to not be bitter or angry, but I am trying with all of my heart to just lean on Him. Please continue to keep us in your prayers and thank you so much for all of your support.<br /><br />I also have to add that this is the single most devastating day of my life. I lost my baby girls, almost died, and it looks like Obama won. I really don't want to go back to work after this, so I may just quit my job and let Obama 'take care' of me, since he is spreading the wealth and all. Don't ask me why I have a sense of humor right now.Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com119tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-34297952700789513382008-11-04T11:23:00.001-08:002008-12-08T13:11:14.335-08:0011/4 UpdateToday's update is being typed by Rob, so I will do my best to transcribe what Jen is dictating without too many typos :) My lovely wife is laying flat on her back at a slight incline due to today's developments, and cannot be moving around much, so here goes:<br />-----------------------------<br />Well, it looks like today might be the day, but we are still hoping and praying for more time. I am now on my third doctor (grrrrr...), since Doctor K is still on vacation and won't be back until Friday, and his back-up is now on vacation too. Not sure about the new doctor yet. He came in this morning and decided to do an internal exam, even though I told him that Doctor K was not doing them, and I told him that I did not want one; but he said that he would be "very careful" not to break my bag of waters. He said that the bag is extremely low in my birth canal, and his best guess is that I am anywhere from 6 cm dialated to fully dialated, and if that part of the sac breaks, she (Baby A) could just "fall out". He then announce that he thinks today is the day, and that I will probably deliver by tonight.<br /><br />They immediately sent me to L&D, and I am now only allowed to have clear liquids. My contractions did pick up last night, and weren't too terrible, but as of this morning they are about four to nine minutes apart - but very small. They have already given me all the medicine they can to stop the contractions, so there isn't much else they can do on that front except to wait to deliver.<br /><br />Baby A is breach, but the plan is to deliver vaginally, because that is the only way that we could possibly keep Baby B in longer. Once Baby A delivers, I will have a 24 hour waiting period where they will monitor me and hope that my cervix starts to close and I will stop having contractions. During this time, they will continue to give me antibiotics and continue my meds to stop contractions. After 24 hours, they will reasses the situation, and decide if they can put in an emergency cerclage and keep Baby B in longer. I will be at an even higher risk of infection at this time, since they will be leaving Baby A's placenta and cord inside.<br /><br />The likelihood of all this happening they way we hoped for (keeping Baby B in) is less than 2%, as she may deliver immediately after Baby A. We are also praying that Baby A (and Baby B) are big enough to intubate, since in order for the NICU staff to rescusitate and/or keep them alive, they have to be big enough in size.<br /><br />We have also chosen names for our two little girls: Baby A is now Alexis Cailen (Alexis means helper or defender and Cailen means pure or girl) and Baby B is now Ashlen Selah (Ashlen is a combination of Ashley - tree field and Lynn - from the lake, and Selah is a Hebrew name for a break in music or "to pause").Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com64tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-530610456521986742008-11-03T10:21:00.000-08:002008-11-03T10:49:39.671-08:0011/3 UpdateHad a crazy night last night. I started having some contractions, which wasn't unusual, but had enough for them to give me a shot to stop them again. Instead of stopping as usual, they got more frequent and stronger. They gave me another shot along with another dose of my regular meds to stop contractions and it didn't seem to be working. Keep in mind that my temp was continuing to go up and I felt crappy and also, the side effects of the shot is a racing heart and anxiety. After all of this, I started losing a ton of blood...more than usual.<br /><br />They decided to transfer me to labor and deliver, from the high risk maternity area that I'm normally in. They had already given me everything they could for the time being, so I couldn't get any more meds to stop the contractions and we just had to wait and see. After a few hours of contractions, they finally started to go away! They gave me another ultrasound to check positions and my dialation and Baby A is still breech, and is folded up with her butt down bumping my cervix and Baby B is still transverse, which means side to side, not up and down. The tech said it looks like my cervix is about 3.7cm dialated, so it's a little more than the 3cm that I was last Sunday. I was feeling pretty good until my nurse told me they just delivered a 21 weeker at only 4cm dialated. Thanks for that bit of information!<br /><br />Anyway, I have lost so much blood over the last week that I am pretty anemic and with last night's episode, they decided that I needed a blood transfusion. I am currently getting 2cc of blood in me as I type. I haven't had any more contractions, which is great news, and I should be moving back to my old room soon and out of L&D. On a side note, I really feel like I was coming down with an infection, because I was starting to get all of the signs (elevated white blood cells, high temps, not feeling good), but all of the signs are completely gone at this point. Praise the Lord for that! Last night after I came to L&D, I was also really calm and just knew that I was not about to deliver. I just felt like it wasn't time yet, so I know God is letting me know He is here.Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-69392233432931793152008-11-02T15:42:00.000-08:002008-11-02T16:19:58.297-08:0011/2 Update-22 weeksThe neonatologist came and talked with us last night and she was really great. Very warm and compassionate, unlike some of the peris here. She explained a lot and gave us realistic expectations. She did say she has never seen a 22 weeker survive, but that it does happen but said they usually do live for a few weeks. She said she personally knows a 15 year old girl that is completely healthy and was born at exactly 23 weeks. Once we get to 24 weeks, she said the survival rate goes from practically nothing up to 70%! That is way better than what I read. She also said the steroid shots do help significantly but are best at 24 weeks. I can get them at 23, but they don't have quite the same benefits, so if I seem stable at 23 weeks, I should consider going a little longer. We'll just have to wait and see on that.<br /><br />Shesaid we also need to understand the risks and that we could have children with serious disabilities, and sometimes they won't even show up until 5 years or so. That's a risk we're going to take though. Rob got to tour the NICU last night and said it was really cool and full of tiny babies! He was really encouraged by what he saw.<br /><br />Well, lastly, my temp does seem to be creeping up, which is a sign of infection, but not in the danger zone. My nurse said they aren't alarmed until around 100.4 (I think). I've always been in the 98's, but lately am in the 99's. They are checking my white blood cell count daily, which was fine this morning, and that is more definitive sign. We are just praying all the time for God to protect me and these girls and that infection stays away.<br /><br />Oh, I promised early that I would post a pic. This is actually from a few days ago, but now I have my own room. What a difference that makes!<br /><br /><a href="http://s171.photobucket.com/albums/u294/robnjencline/?action=view&current=1225345789.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" src="http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u294/robnjencline/1225345789.jpg" border="0" /></a>Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-10278954676436200772008-11-01T10:20:00.000-07:002008-11-01T11:08:24.841-07:0011/1 UpdateWanted to let everyone know what happened last night. I started to have some lower back pain earlier in the day, but not too bad. Then, as the evening went on, it started to get worse. I started to feel a lot of low pressure in the front as well. The monitor said that I was having some contractions, so they gave me a shot that stops them completely. I'm also already on two different meds to help keep contractions away that I take regularly. With all of the pressure and her kicking so very low, I was convinced that Baby A was coming last night. My nurse even alerted the neonatal team, just in case. I think the shot helped calm things down and we made it through the night.<br /><br />This morning I am still having a ton of back pain and some pressure in the front, but not as bad as last night. It's impossible to get comfortable, so I just flip from side to side (not as easy as it sounds) because being on my back, even tilted, is unbearable. Still haven't talked to the neonatologists, but someone is supposed to come by today to discuss what they can and can't do at this age. We did get a statistics sheet that talks about gestational age, survival rates, and the rates of serious long term disabilities. I hate statistics.<br /><br />I just got off the monitor and had about 5 contractions in the last hour, so they are going to give me another shot. Hopefully it makes them stop. Anyway, please pray that Baby A stays in there!Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-22201470232120900342008-10-31T20:51:00.000-07:002008-10-31T21:28:54.913-07:0010/31 UpdateNot much news to report today, which is good. Rob and I met with Dr. K last night, after we made our decision. It's funny because option C was never even given to us, but when we told him that is what we were going to do, he seemed to think that it sounded good and went on to tell us how aggressive they would be with treatment. He didn't sugar coat anything though and made it clear that I would get an infection, it was just a matter of when. It's just strange how he seemed to change his tune a little. The nurses are all pulling for us too and seemed very happy with the decision we made. Today went by fast, so now we're just another day closer to the steroid shots. 9 days away, in fact. Stay away infection!<br /><br />Baby A does worry me a little though, because she is so low! Over the last few days, they keep finding her heartrate lower and lower. It's about as low as it could possibly be. We know she's still breech, but I'm not sure if she's butt down or feet down. I feel more pressure on my bladder too, so I know she is right there, itching to get out. I wish she would just move up a little.<br /><br />I also wanted to say that Rob and I are truly touched by all of the comments you have all left and we definitely feel your prayers. We just want to say thank you to all of our friends, family, the BBC ladies, and all of the strangers that have taken the time to read the blog and pray for us. I know God is listening.Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-87323533500246454962008-10-30T15:40:00.000-07:002008-10-30T16:00:10.132-07:0010/30 Update #2Well, got more bad news today and it's not looking good. We still have hope though. Basically, because my water has broken, I am at a huge risk for infection. It's basically when, not if. Since I have twins and since the bag of water is hanging down and I'm a little dialated, it puts me more at risk. Dr. K and the peri consulted today after my ultrasound and then gave me two options:<br /><br />Option A: Induce labor now and deliver Baby A (who would live for a very short period of time). Then hope that Baby B does not also come down, cut Baby A's cord, shove it all back up, and hope my cervix closes. Then hope that I don't get an infection and try to keep Baby B in for as long as possible. When infection does set it, they would have to deliver Baby B, or both of our lives would be at risk. The chances of saving Baby B this way is less than 2%.<br /><br />Option B: Induce labor and deliver both babies (who would live for a very short period of time). They actually said 'empty my uterus'. Wow, nice wording.<br /><br />I told my Dr. K that these two options are not acceptable to me. I asked them what about Option C, which is do nothing. He said we could do that if we wanted, but I am at a huge risk for infection and it's a matter of when, not if. He said infection could set in within hours, days, or weeks. Once signs of infection are here, they would have to immediately induce labor otherwise we would all die from the infection.<br /><br />Rob and I decided that we will not choose which babies get to live or die and are leaving it in God's hands. So I will either go into labor at any point and deliver, or we just wait for infection and then deliver. Either way, I am hoping that it is weeks or months from now. If we can just get to 24 weeks, they have a chance! Obviously, I have been slightly hysterical on and off today, but am hanging in there. I feel like I'm just not prepared to deal with this all over again, so we really need a miracle.Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com37tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-89399044480184188182008-10-30T11:08:00.000-07:002008-10-30T11:22:20.030-07:0010/30 UpdateWell, I had my ultrasound today and the news was not great. They confirmed that my water from Baby A did break and she is extremely low. Since the bag was no longer there, they couldn't tell how dialated I am from the ultrasound and are going to do an internal exam sometime later today. They had told me previously that nothing would change if my water broke so there is nothing new really. I am still getting antibiotics to keep infection away and they are still giving me meds to stop contractions. I have been having a lot more contractions too, so they are now giving me a couple of different meds to stop labor. I have also been bleeding a lot and they aren't sure why, but it doesn't seem like it could be good news.<br /><br />I'm trying not to be really upset right now and remember all of the great stories, but it is hard. I feel like I could just go into labor at any time now and they won't be able to stop it. We just need a few more weeks! Please keep praying.Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-46381530967549670192008-10-29T12:02:00.000-07:002008-10-29T12:11:26.171-07:0010/29 UpdateStill not much action here, which is always nice. I've been having some issues with my catheter (about as much fun as it sounds) and now everyone thinks that maybe I haven't been leaking as much amniotic fluid as they thought, which would be good. I'm pretty positive my water hasn't broken either, because Baby A is very low and keeps kicking my cervix (little stinker) and I almost feel like I can feel it vibrating all the way through me. That just makes me think that my bag of water is probably hanging pretty low. They did decide to do another ultrasound tomorrow, so they will be able to confirm if my water has broken and see how far I am dialated. I sure hope it hasn't changed for the worse!<br /><br />I keep hearing more and more stories from people that delivered around 23-24 weeks that are doing good. Thanks for the encouraging news everyone!Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-74023876299500660832008-10-28T14:31:00.000-07:002008-10-28T14:52:50.322-07:0010/28 UpdateNot much change today, which is good. I'm still leaking quite a bit of fluid throughout the day, but the peri and Dr. K both seem to think that my water has <em>not </em>broken. There is no way to know for sure without an ultrasound, but I won't get another one unless something changes. Maybe it's better that I don't know because if I found out it did, I may worry a little more.<br /><br /><br />With all of my free time, I've been looking for survival stories of preemies and have seen some cases of preemies born at 22 and 23 weeks that have not only survived, but haven't had long term issues. I know this is not common, but it does happen. Both doctors have said they will start steroid shots at 24 weeks, but I told them I would like to start at 23 weeks instead. My peri said if I want to do that it's fine. He did say, however, that the goal is to have a child that someday rides the long bus, not the short bus. :) I guess that can be offensive, but I didn't take it that way. I think he's just trying to let me know that chances of having long term issues that early are high. Anyway, he's very positive and seems to think I'll be here for awhile, which is what I want to hear. The steroids are two separate shots, and each shot takes 48 hours before the full benefit is seen, so if I started at 23 weeks, they would be in full affect 4 days later.<br /><br />They are also going to have a neonatologist come speak with me to give me more information on what to expect. Here is what I've read so far:<br /><ul><li>A baby born at 24 weeks gestation has about a 50 percent chance of survival. </li><li>A baby born at 26 weeks gestation has about an 80 percent chance of survival. </li><li>A baby born at 28 weeks gestation has about a 91 percent chance of survival. For a baby born after 28 weeks and weighing more than 3 pounds, the chances of survival are even further increased.</li><li>After 32 weeks gestation, a baby has a 96 percent chance of survival and a significant decrease in the chances of suffering significant health problems. Babies born between the 34th and 36th week of pregnancy are likely to have minor developmental delays, but are not likely to experience any long-term effects.</li></ul>I think I've finally gotten used to having my head tilted down and seem to have less headaches now. I got a sponge bath (about as nice as it sounds) last night, so I am feeling better. My hair is getting pretty nasty, but whatever. I'm just going au natural. I may even have Rob take a picture later, so you can see my new home. It may make you a little jealous.Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1144857974032625231.post-24205360525678163562008-10-27T15:40:00.000-07:002008-10-27T15:47:59.574-07:00Daily UpdateWell, another day down. I've been leaking amniotic fluid since I've been here, but it's possible that my water broke last night. It's hard to say because I was asleep and didn't feel a gush, so just don't know for sure and they just gauge it by how much has leaked out. They can't do any internal exams because if the bag is still there, it will rupture, so not sure if I'm dialated more than the 3cm from yesterday. Still no contractions though, which is good. They are already treating me as if my water broke since I've been here and they won't change treatment either way. I'm on antibiotics to keep infection away and on meds to keep contractions away. Other than that, we wait.<br /><br />I got my own room yesterday (big yay!), but my roomate's water broke at 18 weeks and is still here and is now 25 weeks, so it can happen! My peri also told me the longest he's seen is a water break at 21 weeks and she didn't deliver until 35 weeks. Another story of hope for me. I'll be 24 weeks Nov 16th, so that is my minimum goal...just three weeks away. My hospital is supposed to have one of best NICU's in northern CA as well, so I'm in the right spot.Jenellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08385038171576630140noreply@blogger.com8