Reflections

It has been so long since I have posted on this blog, but I thought it would be nice to come back and write another post. Here I am, almost four years later. It's like I'm a whole other world away. The last few years have been such an emotional rollercoaster and I've experienced more grief and sadness and more joy than I ever thought possible. 

Saying goodbye to all three of my girls was indescribably horrific and sad and unfair and welcoming my miracle son into this world was amazing. I wasn't sure that life would get easier but it has. That doesn't mean I don't think about my girls, because I still think about them every single day. I wonder what it would be like if Benjamin had older sisters running around. I wonder about what their hair color would be and how they would have cute little braids or pigtails. I wonder if they would look like me or their dad. Sometimes an overwhelming sense of sadness still comes over me and I cry for no reason other than I miss them. But life does go on and I just continue to try and find a place for them in a world where they are no longer present.

The only reason I have not ended up in a loony bin over these last few years is because God brought us through it all. Even when I felt hopeless, He was right there holding my head above water and giving me comfort. I came to realize that trying to find an answer as to why these things happened will drive a person crazy so I stopped asking why. I just look forward to the day when I get to see them all again and it will all make sense. All I can do now is share my testimony and hope that I can give some comfort to others. There is a quote and two verses that have really spoken to my husband and I, which I am sharing below. I can only hope that God will be glorified by how we live our lives and how we choose to use this sorrow to help others. 


⁶ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. ¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
1 Pet. 5:6-10


³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
2 Cor. 1:3-5

“Seldom does God use a person greatly who has not been hurt deeply.” ~A.W. Tozer

Update

I'm not even sure if people really check in here anymore, but thought I would post an update. I am finally ready (well, as ready as I'll ever be) to announce to the world that I am pregnant again. I am currently 12 weeks and my due date is 12/26. I started a new blog in case anyone would like to follow my journey, hopefully with a happy ending this time.

http://ourrainbowafterthestorm.blogspot.com/

Walk Update

Thank you everyone for your support on the March for Babies walk. Rob, my mom, and I went last Saturday and it was a great day. Thanks you all of you, we exceeded our goal! The weather was beautiful and capitol park was lovely. Here is a picture of Rob and I in front of the capitol.


You may also be able to make out the tattoo on my arm in the above picture, so here is a better view. I got this last month and it is the names of our three girls in Hebrew, in their birth order.

March For Babies

So Rob and I are going to walk in the March For Babies walk in Sacramento this April, in memory of our daughters. The March of Dimes mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. If you'd like to support this cause, please consider sponsoring us by making a donation.

http://www.marchforbabies.org/teamcline

Three months ago...

I can't believe it has been three months since I delivered my little girls! It seems like I was just pregnant, and sometimes I can't believe I'm not. I miss them so much. I also can't believe that I've been pregnant for 12 months and still have no babies. I would probably be delivering them any day now, since I should be almost 36 weeks right now. It seems like everyone that I know is having a baby or pregnant right now, even though I know that's not true.

My OB says that I can start trying again next month, which I really want to do, but it completely freaks me out still. I just wonder what in the heck I would do if I lost another baby. Is it possible that I could give birth to four babies and still come home with zero? I already feel like I'm 'that poor girl' who can't seem to have babies. I'm the girl that people know and feel sorry for because I can't bring home a baby. The girl people look at with pity and are secretly thinking how glad they are that this didn't happen to them. I just don't want to be that girl anymore...

The results are in...

Well, I've had 5 doctor appointments since the delivery, 2 with a perinatologist and 3 with my OB. They are disagreeing slightly about what happened, but the general conclusion is that I had a partial placental abruption with Alexis, which is why I was bleeding so much. A placental abruption means that the placenta started to tear away from the wall of uterus, causing bleeding. This bleeding caused irritation, which gave me some early contractions. I also then went from not dilated at all to dilated within just a few days, with no other contractions, hence the diagnosis of incompetent cervix. They don't know what caused the abruption, especially since I was really taking it easy, but there is a higher risk with twins. I am also told that the chances of it happening again are about 15%. Great. If it does happen, there is also really nothing you can do about it.

My peri isn't quite sure if I have IC and doesn't want to rush into a cerclage, but instead wants to monitor me once a week, starting at 14 weeks. The problem is, if I truly do have IC and don't get the cerclage, even monitoring once a week could be not enough. My OB is convinced I have IC and does not want to take any chances, so I will be getting a cerclage next time and will then be on bedrest starting at 14 weeks. I feel much better about this, because I have to do everything that I possibly can do to bring home a baby.

Christmas

Well, I got through Christmas, but it was the worst Christmas of my life. My dad passed away unexpectedly on the evening of Christmas. What a shock that was to me...and still is. I honestly thought this year couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. The only consulation I get from this is knowing that he is with my three girls right now. I absolutely cannot wait until 2009 and I don't ever want to look back. Good riddance 2008.

A Year Ago Today...

Today is exactly one year since our daughter Makenna was stillborn. Here is a link to my post on her blog.

http://makennahope.blogspot.com

Thank you

I just got an amazing gift and wanted to say thank you and since I don't know how to reach this person, this is the only way that I know how to do it. I just received some beautiful wind chimes that has all three of our daughter's names engraved on the center piece. This was sent by a women who is a total stranger and was sent our blog by a friend of a friend and was following our story.

Thank you for so much for the beautiful gift, card, and prayers and for reaching out to a total stranger. I am truly touched by this!

While I'm at it, thank you to everyone that has reached out to us. Thank you for the cards, meals, flowers, and gifts. We really do appreciate it. Thank you for calling, even though I probably don't call you back (I've always been really bad at that). Thank you for putting up with my moods. Thank you BBC ladies for being so generous and amazing. Over a month later, when many people have already forgotten, so many of you have not and that means a lot.

I wanted to post a few pictures of what I have for the girls. I made a shadow box with the molds of their footprints and the hats that they wore in the hospital. I'm not sure that it's completely done yet because I may paint part of the molds so that the feet stand out more, but I'm not sure. I also may put their names on the molds, but Alexis is on the left (she had Rob's toes) and Ashlen is on the right (with my toes).


We finally got the girls ashes from the funeral home the other day and they are in the silver box in the picture below. I had two keepsake boxes that I bought for their ashes, but then all of my BBC friends, who are totally awesome, sent me some gifts, one of which was the keepsake box below. Rob and I loved it because it had the two hearts on top and then we could put their ashes together in one box. I had their names and the date engraved on the heart as well. I also took all of the cards we've received and tied a ribbon around them and am going to leave them out. The two angels and the angel ornament were also gifts from a friend and family.



So I go back to work in a little over a week and I guess it's time. I have been keeping myself busy though by helping out Rob a ton with the business and packing up our stuff. We move into the new house at the first of the year and we are really excited. It just feels like a fresh start, I guess. So another year down. I really hope the last two years are the worst years that I ever have. I'm not sure how much more heartache I can take. Rob and I have talked a lot about losing the girls and for some reason, it is just so much harder this time. We really are doing better though, considering. Out of all of the special powers we could have, I have always wanted to be able to see the future. If I could just see our family in the future and know that we were able to have kids, I could just breath a sigh of relief. Until then, I'm holding my breath.

Names in the Sand

So my best friend, Kristen, passed along this website to me from someone in her family. This family in Australia lost their son and now write names in the sand on the beach for families that have also lost children. I thought this was so cool. I think I'm going to have to frame these...they're beautiful!




























































http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/11/makenna-hope-alexis-cailen-and-ashlen.html

Slideshow

Doctor Appointment

I went in for a follow up appointment today with my doctor, since he was actually gone when I delivered. He talked to all of the doctors and nurses and got caught up on everything in the meantime. He was pretty surprised to learn that 'they almost lost me', as he put it and was even more surprised that they released me from the hospital so soon, especially after all of the blood transfusions. He also thought I looked really pale, so he sent me for more bloodwork and gave me a different prescription for iron. He recommended counseling as well, which I think is a good idea, but we are going to contact our church to see if they have any recommendations first, since we'd really like to see a counselor that has the same beliefs as we do. I'll go back in another 4 weeks for more bloodwork and to make sure that I am physically healing.

He also talked to us about future pregnancies, which may seem a little premature, but I did want to know what his thoughts were. He said I definitely need 3 months for my body to physically heal, which is also what I was told last time, so he said I could start trying again in February. Before I start trying, he is going to have me consult with a peri to make sure we are all on the same page with what to do next time. He said that his plan would be that I would get a preventative cerclage somewhere from 12-14 weeks and would then be on house/bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. In his 22 years of practice, he said he has never had a preventative cerclage fail and overall has only had only 1 cerclage fail, and it was an emergency cerclage placed after the woman had already started to dilate. He has also had women with IC pregnant with twins that had a successful cerclage and made it to term, which is good to know, in case I ever got pregnant with twins again.

This does help me think that someday we will come home with a baby but just thinking about being pregnant again really freaks me out. I have such mixed feelings because on one hand, I want to be pregnant right away and on another, I never want to be pregnant ever again. I remember all of these emotions from last time, so I guess I know what to expect. I know that someday I will be able to talk about my girls and smile instead of cry, I will be able to laugh and not feel guilty, and I will be able to think about the future and be hopeful, but today is not that day. Maybe tomorrow...

11/6 Update

I decided that I will probably continue to update this blog, even though I may not have much to say. It could just turn into useless ramblings. Anyway, we came home from the hospital last night and it feels good to be home. The hospital monitored me overnight and all day and the doctor said everything looked good with me, so we could go home if we chose, or stay another night. We just wanted to get out of there.

Standing up and walking again after in being in bed for 11 days is really strange. My poor muscles barely work and it's really hard to walk still. It gets a little easier each time and I did attempt to take a shower this morning. I say attempt because it ended with me blacked out, but still conscious, on the shower floor. Good thing I called Rob in as I was blacking out and he got to me right after I slipped down the wall. I guess I can't stand for long periods of time yet. Anyway, better luck tomorrow. I'm physically feeling ok, considering. I'm still in pain and everything but they're got me on a few meds that are certainly helping. I also look and feel like death. I checked my full self out in the mirror yesterday when we got home and it was not a pretty site...at all.

I know some people are also wanting to know if our losses were related, and medically speaking, they were not. We lost Makenna for unknown reasons and will probably never know. At 23 weeks, her heart just stopped and it was confirmed during an ultrasound after I didn't feel her moving after a day. 50% of stillbirths are unexplained, so we never really got any closure from losing her and never will. I was scared during this whole pregnancy thinking that maybe they would just die for no reason, but apparently I had other things to worry about. It turns out that I now have Incompetent Cervix (IC), which means my cervix dilated early and I started going into pre-term labor. This then caused Premature Rupture of Membranes (PROM). With IC, this means that any future pregnancy will also be affected, so if I ever get pregnant again, I would need to have a cerclage (stitching the cervix closed) anywhere from 12-14 weeks pregnant and would be on some type of restricted activity or bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy. A cerclage is not 100% though and I could always go into pre-term labor again that could not be stopped and lose another baby.

We went to the funeral home today to 'make arrangements' and it brought back so many horrible memories. At least the funeral home was really great and they don't charge for infants, so all we had to pay was the fee for the death certificates. Other places were trying to charge us anywhere from $300-$2000 per baby for cremation. Unbelievable.

Today I have already gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. Everything from denial, to shock, to anger and sadness and I just remember how we're already done this all before. I am totally living out my worst nightmare all over again and I almost can't even comprehend it. I really truly believed with all of my heart that I was coming home with those little girls. It all just seems so unfair and I wonder how much can someone take? I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle and I wonder why in the world He thinks we can handle this. I pray that He will reveal to us why this happened, or at least show us the good that will come out of it. A verse from one of my favorite songs says 'the beauty of Grace is that it makes life not fair' and I try to remember that too. It seems like it shouldn't be too much to ask to just be able to bring home a baby. We want to be parents so bad and it's hard to see some people out there popping out kids like there's no tomorrow. It makes me very jealous. I'm also having irrational thoughts about what I could have done differently. I know this wasn't my fault, but I can't help but feel like me body keeps failing me. I just wonder how many babies my body is going to let die.

I feel a lot of uncertainty about everything in my life right now but I do know a few things. First, I know that God loves us and wants us to be happy. I know that He will be by our sides through all of this if we just let Him. Second, I know that all 3 of my girls are happy as can be in heaven playing together and they must be so beautiful. I just can't wait until I get to see them all again.

11/4-Delivery Day

I'm really not even sure how to say this, but I did want to give an update, especially before I forget any details. Both of our little girls were born today and are now in heaven with their sister.

Alexis's Story:
This afternoon, they couldn't stop my labor, but I was holding steady and they were doing regular monitoring. The plan was to still deliver Alexis and try to keep Ashlen in as long as possible. Alexis's heartbeat had started to waiver a little with contractions at one point, but the last time they checked it was going strong. Two hours later they couldn't find a heartbeat and then confirmed with an ultrasound that she had passed during labor. They immediately broke the bag of water that was still hanging and she was so low that after a few pushes, she was born. They cut the cord, put it back and hoped that the placenta did not deliver. My contractions stopped pretty quickly, so it was looking good and I wasn't bleeding that much. Then all of the sudden I started bleeding a huge amount and the doctor knew that we needed to deliver the placenta immediately to stop the bleeding. I didn't have any pain meds but he needed to work quickly to deliver the placenta because my blood pressure was dropping quickly. He basically had to use his hand to dig around and try to pull the placenta out, which I literally screamed bloody murder. They got an anethiesiologist in pretty quickly because he wasn't having luck getting the placenta out. At this point that also ordered 4cc's of blood for me stat. I had two working IV's in at the time, one in use, and one for this type of emergency. The anethiesiologist tried to give me a narcotic only to find out that both IV's literally just stopped working. It became a mad dash for two emergency IV's to be placed. They then wheeled me to an OR where the blood would arrive. By this time, I was in a ton of pain, had lost a ridiculous amount of blood and was going into shock. At one point I believe my blood pressure was somewhere around 80/40 (Rob corrected me and said my BP was in the mid 60's/40). I was shaking uncontrollably and was very cold. They were finally able to give me blood, which saved my life before I bled out and then gave me some narcotics so that my doctor could reach in and deliver the placenta. That is the last thing I remember for awhile. I woke up in a recovery room where I was being monitored for contractions. We were able to spend time with Alexis and take some pictures and she was beautiful. She weighed 14 oz and was 10 1/2 inches long.

Ashlen's Story:
A little bit after I was being monitored in recovery, I started to get the shakes, which they said was normal after delivery. My contractions started to pick up again and in no time I felt pressure and needed to push. They rushed the doctors and NICU team in and after few pushes, Ashlen was born. They whisked her away and Rob went with her and then I delivered the placenta. (Rob also corrected me on this and said a doctor with hands twice his size had to reach in and reposition Ashlen before I could push her out because she was coming out back first. He also pulled out the placenta immediately after I delivered her.) Rob returned with bad news. She was alive but had no chance for survival. She was just too small for them to even work on her and her skin was so thin they couldn't even warm her up. I couldn't leave, so they brought her to us to spend her last moments with us. She was just perfect looking and was a little bigger than her sister. She weighed 1 pound and was 11 inches long. We spent time with both of them together and took some pictures of them. They then took us to a private L&D room where we held Ashlen until her heart stopped, about 2 hours after she was born.

The hospital called in a volunteer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, which is a great organization that takes pictures of your child after they have passed. It's a free service and I think they did a great job and can't wait to see the pictures. We are so devastated right now and I think that I am probably still in a little bit of shock. The girls are sleeping in our room tonight and we will contact a funeral home tomorrow to make arrangements, which is all too familiar. No one should have to bury 3 babies. While I am on this earth, I will never understand why this has happened to us again. Even though they did not survive, they are still my miracle babies and I was blessed every second of every day that I was pregnant with them. I am so grateful for every movement that I felt and that Rob was able to feel them too. I just find myself asking why this all couldn't have just happened a few short weeks later, and they would probably still be here or how this could have even happened. I truly thought that we would bring them home. It is hard to not be bitter or angry, but I am trying with all of my heart to just lean on Him. Please continue to keep us in your prayers and thank you so much for all of your support.

I also have to add that this is the single most devastating day of my life. I lost my baby girls, almost died, and it looks like Obama won. I really don't want to go back to work after this, so I may just quit my job and let Obama 'take care' of me, since he is spreading the wealth and all. Don't ask me why I have a sense of humor right now.