I decided that I will probably continue to update this blog, even though I may not have much to say. It could just turn into useless ramblings. Anyway, we came home from the hospital last night and it feels good to be home. The hospital monitored me overnight and all day and the doctor said everything looked good with me, so we could go home if we chose, or stay another night. We just wanted to get out of there.
Standing up and walking again after in being in bed for 11 days is really strange. My poor muscles barely work and it's really hard to walk still. It gets a little easier each time and I did attempt to take a shower this morning. I say attempt because it ended with me blacked out, but still conscious, on the shower floor. Good thing I called Rob in as I was blacking out and he got to me right after I slipped down the wall. I guess I can't stand for long periods of time yet. Anyway, better luck tomorrow. I'm physically feeling ok, considering. I'm still in pain and everything but they're got me on a few meds that are certainly helping. I also look and feel like death. I checked my full self out in the mirror yesterday when we got home and it was not a pretty site...at all.
I know some people are also wanting to know if our losses were related, and medically speaking, they were not. We lost Makenna for unknown reasons and will probably never know. At 23 weeks, her heart just stopped and it was confirmed during an ultrasound after I didn't feel her moving after a day. 50% of stillbirths are unexplained, so we never really got any closure from losing her and never will. I was scared during this whole pregnancy thinking that maybe they would just die for no reason, but apparently I had other things to worry about. It turns out that I now have Incompetent Cervix (IC), which means my cervix dilated early and I started going into pre-term labor. This then caused Premature Rupture of Membranes (PROM). With IC, this means that any future pregnancy will also be affected, so if I ever get pregnant again, I would need to have a cerclage (stitching the cervix closed) anywhere from 12-14 weeks pregnant and would be on some type of restricted activity or bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy. A cerclage is not 100% though and I could always go into pre-term labor again that could not be stopped and lose another baby.
We went to the funeral home today to 'make arrangements' and it brought back so many horrible memories. At least the funeral home was really great and they don't charge for infants, so all we had to pay was the fee for the death certificates. Other places were trying to charge us anywhere from $300-$2000 per baby for cremation. Unbelievable.
Today I have already gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. Everything from denial, to shock, to anger and sadness and I just remember how we're already done this all before. I am totally living out my worst nightmare all over again and I almost can't even comprehend it. I really truly believed with all of my heart that I was coming home with those little girls. It all just seems so unfair and I wonder how much can someone take? I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle and I wonder why in the world He thinks we can handle this. I pray that He will reveal to us why this happened, or at least show us the good that will come out of it. A verse from one of my favorite songs says 'the beauty of Grace is that it makes life not fair' and I try to remember that too. It seems like it shouldn't be too much to ask to just be able to bring home a baby. We want to be parents so bad and it's hard to see some people out there popping out kids like there's no tomorrow. It makes me very jealous. I'm also having irrational thoughts about what I could have done differently. I know this wasn't my fault, but I can't help but feel like me body keeps failing me. I just wonder how many babies my body is going to let die.
I feel a lot of uncertainty about everything in my life right now but I do know a few things. First, I know that God loves us and wants us to be happy. I know that He will be by our sides through all of this if we just let Him. Second, I know that all 3 of my girls are happy as can be in heaven playing together and they must be so beautiful. I just can't wait until I get to see them all again.