Thursday, November 6, 2008

11/6 Update

I decided that I will probably continue to update this blog, even though I may not have much to say. It could just turn into useless ramblings. Anyway, we came home from the hospital last night and it feels good to be home. The hospital monitored me overnight and all day and the doctor said everything looked good with me, so we could go home if we chose, or stay another night. We just wanted to get out of there.

Standing up and walking again after in being in bed for 11 days is really strange. My poor muscles barely work and it's really hard to walk still. It gets a little easier each time and I did attempt to take a shower this morning. I say attempt because it ended with me blacked out, but still conscious, on the shower floor. Good thing I called Rob in as I was blacking out and he got to me right after I slipped down the wall. I guess I can't stand for long periods of time yet. Anyway, better luck tomorrow. I'm physically feeling ok, considering. I'm still in pain and everything but they're got me on a few meds that are certainly helping. I also look and feel like death. I checked my full self out in the mirror yesterday when we got home and it was not a pretty site...at all.

I know some people are also wanting to know if our losses were related, and medically speaking, they were not. We lost Makenna for unknown reasons and will probably never know. At 23 weeks, her heart just stopped and it was confirmed during an ultrasound after I didn't feel her moving after a day. 50% of stillbirths are unexplained, so we never really got any closure from losing her and never will. I was scared during this whole pregnancy thinking that maybe they would just die for no reason, but apparently I had other things to worry about. It turns out that I now have Incompetent Cervix (IC), which means my cervix dilated early and I started going into pre-term labor. This then caused Premature Rupture of Membranes (PROM). With IC, this means that any future pregnancy will also be affected, so if I ever get pregnant again, I would need to have a cerclage (stitching the cervix closed) anywhere from 12-14 weeks pregnant and would be on some type of restricted activity or bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy. A cerclage is not 100% though and I could always go into pre-term labor again that could not be stopped and lose another baby.

We went to the funeral home today to 'make arrangements' and it brought back so many horrible memories. At least the funeral home was really great and they don't charge for infants, so all we had to pay was the fee for the death certificates. Other places were trying to charge us anywhere from $300-$2000 per baby for cremation. Unbelievable.

Today I have already gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. Everything from denial, to shock, to anger and sadness and I just remember how we're already done this all before. I am totally living out my worst nightmare all over again and I almost can't even comprehend it. I really truly believed with all of my heart that I was coming home with those little girls. It all just seems so unfair and I wonder how much can someone take? I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle and I wonder why in the world He thinks we can handle this. I pray that He will reveal to us why this happened, or at least show us the good that will come out of it. A verse from one of my favorite songs says 'the beauty of Grace is that it makes life not fair' and I try to remember that too. It seems like it shouldn't be too much to ask to just be able to bring home a baby. We want to be parents so bad and it's hard to see some people out there popping out kids like there's no tomorrow. It makes me very jealous. I'm also having irrational thoughts about what I could have done differently. I know this wasn't my fault, but I can't help but feel like me body keeps failing me. I just wonder how many babies my body is going to let die.

I feel a lot of uncertainty about everything in my life right now but I do know a few things. First, I know that God loves us and wants us to be happy. I know that He will be by our sides through all of this if we just let Him. Second, I know that all 3 of my girls are happy as can be in heaven playing together and they must be so beautiful. I just can't wait until I get to see them all again.

41 comments:

Faith and Jeremy Peasley said...

We've been praying all day for you both!

Laurie said...

Bless your broken heart. I will continue to pray for you guys and ask the Lord to bring you through each day with His strength. I am so sorry for this to have happened to you again. It truly is devastating and most unfair. Yes, God does love you both so much. May He be your strength in all the days ahead.

Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

We love you so much Jen. I don't know why God would ask you and Rob to walk this incredibly hard road, but I know that He walks with you. You are in our prayers repeatedly through the day.

Rog and Sig

Anonymous said...

Jenell, your blog posts continue to amaze me. Your strength and faith at the hardest and darkest time is an inspiration to everyone. You are such an amazing person and I am sure that although you may stuggle to find the answers, you will find some peace eventually.
I can't even imagine what you are going through, but continue to lean on each other for support and grow strong together. Keep your faith and keep hope in your hearts as you look to the future.
Thinking of you as you go through this very diffiuclt time.
Caroline

Amanda said...

(((HUGS))) to you and Rob during this time. So many of your words are exactly what I have thought and felt since our 2nd loss with Logan. If you feel the need to talk just send me an email. manzanita0802@yahoo.com Take care of each other.

Jennifer said...

I am so glad that you are going to continue blogging. There is a lot of healing that can come from journaling your experiences both for yourself and others that are joining you in this journey. I will be praying for you.

Liz said...

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and Rob and sending you strength and peace. I am so amazed at your strength Jenell. You are an amazing person.

Liz

Anonymous said...

Jenell -

You and Rob are in my thoughts and prayers. May the Lord bless you through this difficult journey. I continue to be amazed by your incredible strength...Please know that we are all holding you close to our hearts.

Lots of love to you both!
Kandace

Beth said...

I am in tears.

Your first stillbirth sounds EXACTLY like mine. I was 23 weeks and 5 days when I called the doctor because I hadn't felt her kick. Her heart had stopped and we'll never know why.

I absolutely cannot imagine going through this on top of what I have been through. You are amazingly strong.

When I was in the hospital, a lady from the lab who came to get blood was in tears when she told me to never give up. She had lost 3 stillborn babies - the second two were twins. Then she finally had a healthy baby who is a teenager today. I hope maybe her story can give you some ounce of hope. I know that nothing that I can say will.

I am praying for you and your husband.

Bmarie99 said...

Jenell-

You have been on my heart and in my prayers daily. We lost Carter due to IC and PPROM. I remember "meeting" you in those first dark days on BBC and I so wish you and your husband did not have to be in that place again.
If you need anything,

Brandee

courtney major said...

Hi neighbor. I just got home and saw your lights on. Just want you to know that I'm here for you, right across the street if you ever want to talk or sit on someone else's couch and "just be".

I'm grieving for what you guys must be going through. Really. Anyways, just want you to know that we truly care and are constantly praying that you can somehow get through this horrible nightmare.

All My Prayers,
Courtney Major

Anonymous said...

Hey guys,
I am so proud of you both, getting through this another day. My heart aches for you...I cannot imagine the emotions and aching you must be going through.Please take extra care of yourselves, I cannot bear the thought of anything happening to either one of you. Take it slow Jen, and if you need us any time night or day just call. We would be there in a flash...you are both true survivors and we love you. Jen you are beautiful always, and I mean that. Rob you have walked many hard roads, and this must be the hardest one. God will carry you both and all of our thoughts and prayers are with you every step of the way.

We love you..... The Sobrero Fam

Mrs. Spit said...

And they wil know you. The very instant you set foot in heaven, they will come rushing to you, and you will know them, and they will know you, and it will be like you were never apart. Eternity is such a wonderfully long time.

Deanna V said...

jenny and rob,

I've been thinking about you guys non stop for days now. I'm glad that you got to go home. I wish with all of my heart that I could say something that could help but there's just no way. I love you guys and am here if you need anything.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

Again, I'm just so sorry. I can't imagine going home to an empty house and broken dreams again. I'm praying for you so hard.

Supa Sparks said...

my sweet friend,

please keep posting. use this as a place to get is all out, to ramble until you're fingers hurt, to be brutally honest, ask your questions, shout (in caps) do whatever you need to do. This page has become a place of support for you and Rob. Just look at the comments - the prayers - the tears that have been shared through this page. There is no need for you two to endure this all on your own. Although on this side of glory we will never fully understand why this has taken place we do know that none of this has gone unseen by our Maker. He is fully aware of all you and Rob have endured and all you continue to and will walk through as you live with your losses here on earth. My prayer is that the Lord meet you in every moment. In each moment that He give you what you need to get through that moment. Moment by moment may the Lord carry you through, may He enable you to grieve, may He comfort you in ways that no one here on earth can, may He speak softly to the inner most part of you that ache for answers, may He draw you and Rob closer to Him and to each other, may He sooth the pain in His timing - never to forget what you have endured - never to forget your babies but to bring you a place where you may live life as a testimony of His grace and mercy. We love you both so very much. Please know that despite the miles we are close to you in prayer.

Tiffany said...

Jenell,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this all over again. The pain I feel for my loss of my twins is so great, I can't imagine having to do it again.....please know I am here for you and your family. YOu are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jayme said...

I'm SO sorry :(
I know there are no words, nothing I can say to make it better. You're in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing your story.

Anonymous said...

Jenell, I know your families grief during this time as I have posted my brother lost a little girl at 20 weeks and twin girls at 19 weeks all this past year. It is such a horrible feeling and unfortunately my SIL who was a very religious person has turned her back on God. You are an amazing person to have the faith and strength that you have. My SIL has shut out the rest of the world and is devasted becasue they have told her that she can never have children again so she feels her life is gone. I hope you continue to post on here because I am drawing strength from you and hoping that I can find something in your experience and thoughts to help out my family. You are such an inspiration and I appreciate you sharing your feelings with us.

Shawna
babyshamrok@aol.com

Cee said...

Dear Jenell and Rob,

My thoughts continue to be with you during this horrible time. Living this nightmare again is so unfair.

I understand your IC diagnosis personally, as well as the projected cerclage in future pregnancies. I've posted this site before, it's all specifically about IC...it's a very supportive community whenever you are ready. Unfortunately many of them share our story of IC. There are many success stories as well after a cerclage.
http://ic.hobh.org/forums/
Please take care of yourself.
Cee - BBC

Annie said...

I don't know you personally, but happened to find your story on BBC. I have been praying for you and your family a lot these past months. I live down the hill from you and go to Lakeside Church in Folsom. If there is anything at all I can do to help, we are sisters in Christ and even though we might not "know" each other, I am here for you! I know it is very hard to understand why God has given you this, you don't feel like you want the compliment of being able to handle this. But, as we go through trials in our life, it will strengthen our faith and God WILL use this for His good, even though it still hurts. This is one more way you know He can identify with you and what you are going through, HE gave up His Son, He does understand and is holding you in His hands.
Take care,
Annie Holt

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

You have amazing strength and faith Jenell. I'm glad you decided to keep blogging, I think that's one of the things that helped me the most. My thoughts and prayers are with you both as you go through these next days and weeks.
Kara

brandy m / BBC said...

Jenell-I am so glad to see that you will continue the blog. I can not seem to get you guys off of my mind. I know we have never met and only chatted on BBC, but I feel like you are a friend and it breaks my heart to know that you are dealing with this hurt again. You have got to be the strongest woman on the face of the earth. You truly amaze me with your courage, strength, and especially your faith. You are right though...that day will come and you will see those three beautiful babies again. Much continued prayers for you & Rob, as well as the rest of your family. (((HUGS)))
Brandy M
BBC

Anonymous said...

Jenell and Rob,
You have been on my heart so much over the last few days. Now that you are home, please let me know if there is anything we can do for you...meals, housecleaning, errands, anything at all...you can email me at ginabasham@yahoo.com. Your strength has been such an inspiration through all of this. May God's grace continue...
Danny and Gina Basham, your Cameron Park friends

Lisa (kck&ksmommy) said...

Just sending some more ((((HUGS)))). It seems like so little and yet all we can do. Reading your blog was reading like my own thoughts from March, except that you have much more faith than I did at that time. I am so glad that you have it to lean on. Just try to take each day one minute at a time and know that we are here if you need us.

Amy Peterson said...

Jenny, I know nothing anyone can say or do can make you feel any sense of comfort now or ever, but I want you to know that I am here for you always. You were the one always standing by my side when I needed someone. Please don't give up on anything. You are strong-willed and determined and I feel that you and Rob will someday have your prayers answered. I love you and am here for you!

Anonymous said...

Jenny,
Deepest sympathies for your loss.

Amanda Glynn-Palmbach

Allison (Dashiell's Mom) said...

Jenell,
Thank you for continuing to update. There are no words to convey how deeply I feel for your loss. I'm glad that you are home and pray that you recover physically quickly. I hope you can lean on your family and friends as much as possible in the weeks to come.
Allison

CLC said...

Here from Brenna's Mom's blog. I am so sorry for all 3 of your losses. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

Brianna said...

I heard about your blog through a friend... I am so sorry that you have to endure this pain. My heart truly goes out to you. Please know that our God is a big God, and he is carrying you. I will pray for him to give you the strength that surpasses all understanding.

Brianna Dupuy

Brenna's Mom said...

I wish I had some comforting words of wisdom to make you feel better, but I don't. Instead I will just share with you what I found most helpful- God is with you. I know right now you are wondering why, but one day you will look back on this and all the pieces will fit together, and you will understand why he has chosen this path for you. Until that time, know that I am thinking of you, and praying for you.

Leana said...

Jenell, I sent you a note on BBC and I just wanted to say here that I am still thinking of you constantly, praying for you, and grieving with you.

spotty said...

Dear Jenell,

I just happened to come to your blog yesterday, while I was googling for pregnancy pictures. Actually, it was Makenna´s page that I came upon first.

I just want to say that I am so very sorry for your loss! I can not imagine the pain that you are going through right now, and it does not seem fair that you would have to go through this ordeal with three babies!

I am swedish, and I am following a blog by another mother here in Sweden who lost one baby first, due to urinary infection during the pregnancy, and then another one because of a weak cervix. She is right now pregnant with her third child, and has had a circlage (is that the right word?) to get to keep this pregnancy. She is now about 24 weeks along.

I just thought that it might be good to have someone to share the experience with, who knows what you are going through, and who may be able to tell you what to expect if or when you get pregnant again.

The address to her blog:
http://finnjonna.blogspot.com

You are in my thoughts! Again, I am so sorry for your loss!

Much love from Lenita in Sweden
lenita_johanna(at)yahoo.com

Pamela said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pam said...

I love your recent touches to your page. Your sweet angels are loved by all of us. You and Rob are truley amazing and we are so lucky to have such admirable friends. Continue to be strong and keep finding those great passages. Thank you for sharing and being so honest. You are helping so many other people.

Laurie said...

I am praying for you guys during this most heartbreaking time, asking God to give you new strength to face each new day. I am so so sorry for your heartbreak.

Laurie in Ca.

Elaine said...

Words can not express what my heart feels for you and your Husband. My thoughts are with you both and I am sending you strength and love.

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

Just thinking of ya'll today. Sending you love!
Kara

Kami said...

Thinking of you...

Melanie said...

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I'm sending you prayers, good thoughts, positivity and most of all HUGS.
May time help you and Rob heal, and may you both find the comfort you deserve within each other.

Tina said...

You are the strongest person I know. I was referred to your blog through Sarah Santoriello Bigelow's blog where she asked for prayers for you prior to the birth. I planned to post mine; then I read your most recent updates. I cannot tell you how much I hurt for you and admire your faith and your courage through the physical and emotional pain. May God bless you and your family with a beautiful, laughing baby, or may his plan bring you joy you could not have anticipated. Your girls might whisper their own ideas in his ear. -- Tina Tenret