Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Well, I got through Christmas, but it was the worst Christmas of my life. My dad passed away unexpectedly on the evening of Christmas. What a shock that was to me...and still is. I honestly thought this year couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. The only consulation I get from this is knowing that he is with my three girls right now. I absolutely cannot wait until 2009 and I don't ever want to look back. Good riddance 2008.

Monday, December 15, 2008

A Year Ago Today...

Today is exactly one year since our daughter Makenna was stillborn. Here is a link to my post on her blog.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Thank you

I just got an amazing gift and wanted to say thank you and since I don't know how to reach this person, this is the only way that I know how to do it. I just received some beautiful wind chimes that has all three of our daughter's names engraved on the center piece. This was sent by a women who is a total stranger and was sent our blog by a friend of a friend and was following our story.

Thank you for so much for the beautiful gift, card, and prayers and for reaching out to a total stranger. I am truly touched by this!

While I'm at it, thank you to everyone that has reached out to us. Thank you for the cards, meals, flowers, and gifts. We really do appreciate it. Thank you for calling, even though I probably don't call you back (I've always been really bad at that). Thank you for putting up with my moods. Thank you BBC ladies for being so generous and amazing. Over a month later, when many people have already forgotten, so many of you have not and that means a lot.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I wanted to post a few pictures of what I have for the girls. I made a shadow box with the molds of their footprints and the hats that they wore in the hospital. I'm not sure that it's completely done yet because I may paint part of the molds so that the feet stand out more, but I'm not sure. I also may put their names on the molds, but Alexis is on the left (she had Rob's toes) and Ashlen is on the right (with my toes).

We finally got the girls ashes from the funeral home the other day and they are in the silver box in the picture below. I had two keepsake boxes that I bought for their ashes, but then all of my BBC friends, who are totally awesome, sent me some gifts, one of which was the keepsake box below. Rob and I loved it because it had the two hearts on top and then we could put their ashes together in one box. I had their names and the date engraved on the heart as well. I also took all of the cards we've received and tied a ribbon around them and am going to leave them out. The two angels and the angel ornament were also gifts from a friend and family.


So I go back to work in a little over a week and I guess it's time. I have been keeping myself busy though by helping out Rob a ton with the business and packing up our stuff. We move into the new house at the first of the year and we are really excited. It just feels like a fresh start, I guess. So another year down. I really hope the last two years are the worst years that I ever have. I'm not sure how much more heartache I can take. Rob and I have talked a lot about losing the girls and for some reason, it is just so much harder this time. We really are doing better though, considering. Out of all of the special powers we could have, I have always wanted to be able to see the future. If I could just see our family in the future and know that we were able to have kids, I could just breath a sigh of relief. Until then, I'm holding my breath.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Names in the Sand

So my best friend, Kristen, passed along this website to me from someone in her family. This family in Australia lost their son and now write names in the sand on the beach for families that have also lost children. I thought this was so cool. I think I'm going to have to frame these...they're beautiful!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Monday, November 10, 2008

Doctor Appointment

I went in for a follow up appointment today with my doctor, since he was actually gone when I delivered. He talked to all of the doctors and nurses and got caught up on everything in the meantime. He was pretty surprised to learn that 'they almost lost me', as he put it and was even more surprised that they released me from the hospital so soon, especially after all of the blood transfusions. He also thought I looked really pale, so he sent me for more bloodwork and gave me a different prescription for iron. He recommended counseling as well, which I think is a good idea, but we are going to contact our church to see if they have any recommendations first, since we'd really like to see a counselor that has the same beliefs as we do. I'll go back in another 4 weeks for more bloodwork and to make sure that I am physically healing.

He also talked to us about future pregnancies, which may seem a little premature, but I did want to know what his thoughts were. He said I definitely need 3 months for my body to physically heal, which is also what I was told last time, so he said I could start trying again in February. Before I start trying, he is going to have me consult with a peri to make sure we are all on the same page with what to do next time. He said that his plan would be that I would get a preventative cerclage somewhere from 12-14 weeks and would then be on house/bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. In his 22 years of practice, he said he has never had a preventative cerclage fail and overall has only had only 1 cerclage fail, and it was an emergency cerclage placed after the woman had already started to dilate. He has also had women with IC pregnant with twins that had a successful cerclage and made it to term, which is good to know, in case I ever got pregnant with twins again.

This does help me think that someday we will come home with a baby but just thinking about being pregnant again really freaks me out. I have such mixed feelings because on one hand, I want to be pregnant right away and on another, I never want to be pregnant ever again. I remember all of these emotions from last time, so I guess I know what to expect. I know that someday I will be able to talk about my girls and smile instead of cry, I will be able to laugh and not feel guilty, and I will be able to think about the future and be hopeful, but today is not that day. Maybe tomorrow...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

11/6 Update

I decided that I will probably continue to update this blog, even though I may not have much to say. It could just turn into useless ramblings. Anyway, we came home from the hospital last night and it feels good to be home. The hospital monitored me overnight and all day and the doctor said everything looked good with me, so we could go home if we chose, or stay another night. We just wanted to get out of there.

Standing up and walking again after in being in bed for 11 days is really strange. My poor muscles barely work and it's really hard to walk still. It gets a little easier each time and I did attempt to take a shower this morning. I say attempt because it ended with me blacked out, but still conscious, on the shower floor. Good thing I called Rob in as I was blacking out and he got to me right after I slipped down the wall. I guess I can't stand for long periods of time yet. Anyway, better luck tomorrow. I'm physically feeling ok, considering. I'm still in pain and everything but they're got me on a few meds that are certainly helping. I also look and feel like death. I checked my full self out in the mirror yesterday when we got home and it was not a pretty all.

I know some people are also wanting to know if our losses were related, and medically speaking, they were not. We lost Makenna for unknown reasons and will probably never know. At 23 weeks, her heart just stopped and it was confirmed during an ultrasound after I didn't feel her moving after a day. 50% of stillbirths are unexplained, so we never really got any closure from losing her and never will. I was scared during this whole pregnancy thinking that maybe they would just die for no reason, but apparently I had other things to worry about. It turns out that I now have Incompetent Cervix (IC), which means my cervix dilated early and I started going into pre-term labor. This then caused Premature Rupture of Membranes (PROM). With IC, this means that any future pregnancy will also be affected, so if I ever get pregnant again, I would need to have a cerclage (stitching the cervix closed) anywhere from 12-14 weeks pregnant and would be on some type of restricted activity or bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy. A cerclage is not 100% though and I could always go into pre-term labor again that could not be stopped and lose another baby.

We went to the funeral home today to 'make arrangements' and it brought back so many horrible memories. At least the funeral home was really great and they don't charge for infants, so all we had to pay was the fee for the death certificates. Other places were trying to charge us anywhere from $300-$2000 per baby for cremation. Unbelievable.

Today I have already gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. Everything from denial, to shock, to anger and sadness and I just remember how we're already done this all before. I am totally living out my worst nightmare all over again and I almost can't even comprehend it. I really truly believed with all of my heart that I was coming home with those little girls. It all just seems so unfair and I wonder how much can someone take? I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle and I wonder why in the world He thinks we can handle this. I pray that He will reveal to us why this happened, or at least show us the good that will come out of it. A verse from one of my favorite songs says 'the beauty of Grace is that it makes life not fair' and I try to remember that too. It seems like it shouldn't be too much to ask to just be able to bring home a baby. We want to be parents so bad and it's hard to see some people out there popping out kids like there's no tomorrow. It makes me very jealous. I'm also having irrational thoughts about what I could have done differently. I know this wasn't my fault, but I can't help but feel like me body keeps failing me. I just wonder how many babies my body is going to let die.

I feel a lot of uncertainty about everything in my life right now but I do know a few things. First, I know that God loves us and wants us to be happy. I know that He will be by our sides through all of this if we just let Him. Second, I know that all 3 of my girls are happy as can be in heaven playing together and they must be so beautiful. I just can't wait until I get to see them all again.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

11/4-Delivery Day

I'm really not even sure how to say this, but I did want to give an update, especially before I forget any details. Both of our little girls were born today and are now in heaven with their sister.

Alexis's Story:
This afternoon, they couldn't stop my labor, but I was holding steady and they were doing regular monitoring. The plan was to still deliver Alexis and try to keep Ashlen in as long as possible. Alexis's heartbeat had started to waiver a little with contractions at one point, but the last time they checked it was going strong. Two hours later they couldn't find a heartbeat and then confirmed with an ultrasound that she had passed during labor. They immediately broke the bag of water that was still hanging and she was so low that after a few pushes, she was born. They cut the cord, put it back and hoped that the placenta did not deliver. My contractions stopped pretty quickly, so it was looking good and I wasn't bleeding that much. Then all of the sudden I started bleeding a huge amount and the doctor knew that we needed to deliver the placenta immediately to stop the bleeding. I didn't have any pain meds but he needed to work quickly to deliver the placenta because my blood pressure was dropping quickly. He basically had to use his hand to dig around and try to pull the placenta out, which I literally screamed bloody murder. They got an anethiesiologist in pretty quickly because he wasn't having luck getting the placenta out. At this point that also ordered 4cc's of blood for me stat. I had two working IV's in at the time, one in use, and one for this type of emergency. The anethiesiologist tried to give me a narcotic only to find out that both IV's literally just stopped working. It became a mad dash for two emergency IV's to be placed. They then wheeled me to an OR where the blood would arrive. By this time, I was in a ton of pain, had lost a ridiculous amount of blood and was going into shock. At one point I believe my blood pressure was somewhere around 80/40 (Rob corrected me and said my BP was in the mid 60's/40). I was shaking uncontrollably and was very cold. They were finally able to give me blood, which saved my life before I bled out and then gave me some narcotics so that my doctor could reach in and deliver the placenta. That is the last thing I remember for awhile. I woke up in a recovery room where I was being monitored for contractions. We were able to spend time with Alexis and take some pictures and she was beautiful. She weighed 14 oz and was 10 1/2 inches long.

Ashlen's Story:
A little bit after I was being monitored in recovery, I started to get the shakes, which they said was normal after delivery. My contractions started to pick up again and in no time I felt pressure and needed to push. They rushed the doctors and NICU team in and after few pushes, Ashlen was born. They whisked her away and Rob went with her and then I delivered the placenta. (Rob also corrected me on this and said a doctor with hands twice his size had to reach in and reposition Ashlen before I could push her out because she was coming out back first. He also pulled out the placenta immediately after I delivered her.) Rob returned with bad news. She was alive but had no chance for survival. She was just too small for them to even work on her and her skin was so thin they couldn't even warm her up. I couldn't leave, so they brought her to us to spend her last moments with us. She was just perfect looking and was a little bigger than her sister. She weighed 1 pound and was 11 inches long. We spent time with both of them together and took some pictures of them. They then took us to a private L&D room where we held Ashlen until her heart stopped, about 2 hours after she was born.

The hospital called in a volunteer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, which is a great organization that takes pictures of your child after they have passed. It's a free service and I think they did a great job and can't wait to see the pictures. We are so devastated right now and I think that I am probably still in a little bit of shock. The girls are sleeping in our room tonight and we will contact a funeral home tomorrow to make arrangements, which is all too familiar. No one should have to bury 3 babies. While I am on this earth, I will never understand why this has happened to us again. Even though they did not survive, they are still my miracle babies and I was blessed every second of every day that I was pregnant with them. I am so grateful for every movement that I felt and that Rob was able to feel them too. I just find myself asking why this all couldn't have just happened a few short weeks later, and they would probably still be here or how this could have even happened. I truly thought that we would bring them home. It is hard to not be bitter or angry, but I am trying with all of my heart to just lean on Him. Please continue to keep us in your prayers and thank you so much for all of your support.

I also have to add that this is the single most devastating day of my life. I lost my baby girls, almost died, and it looks like Obama won. I really don't want to go back to work after this, so I may just quit my job and let Obama 'take care' of me, since he is spreading the wealth and all. Don't ask me why I have a sense of humor right now.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

11/4 Update

Today's update is being typed by Rob, so I will do my best to transcribe what Jen is dictating without too many typos :) My lovely wife is laying flat on her back at a slight incline due to today's developments, and cannot be moving around much, so here goes:
Well, it looks like today might be the day, but we are still hoping and praying for more time. I am now on my third doctor (grrrrr...), since Doctor K is still on vacation and won't be back until Friday, and his back-up is now on vacation too. Not sure about the new doctor yet. He came in this morning and decided to do an internal exam, even though I told him that Doctor K was not doing them, and I told him that I did not want one; but he said that he would be "very careful" not to break my bag of waters. He said that the bag is extremely low in my birth canal, and his best guess is that I am anywhere from 6 cm dialated to fully dialated, and if that part of the sac breaks, she (Baby A) could just "fall out". He then announce that he thinks today is the day, and that I will probably deliver by tonight.

They immediately sent me to L&D, and I am now only allowed to have clear liquids. My contractions did pick up last night, and weren't too terrible, but as of this morning they are about four to nine minutes apart - but very small. They have already given me all the medicine they can to stop the contractions, so there isn't much else they can do on that front except to wait to deliver.

Baby A is breach, but the plan is to deliver vaginally, because that is the only way that we could possibly keep Baby B in longer. Once Baby A delivers, I will have a 24 hour waiting period where they will monitor me and hope that my cervix starts to close and I will stop having contractions. During this time, they will continue to give me antibiotics and continue my meds to stop contractions. After 24 hours, they will reasses the situation, and decide if they can put in an emergency cerclage and keep Baby B in longer. I will be at an even higher risk of infection at this time, since they will be leaving Baby A's placenta and cord inside.

The likelihood of all this happening they way we hoped for (keeping Baby B in) is less than 2%, as she may deliver immediately after Baby A. We are also praying that Baby A (and Baby B) are big enough to intubate, since in order for the NICU staff to rescusitate and/or keep them alive, they have to be big enough in size.

We have also chosen names for our two little girls: Baby A is now Alexis Cailen (Alexis means helper or defender and Cailen means pure or girl) and Baby B is now Ashlen Selah (Ashlen is a combination of Ashley - tree field and Lynn - from the lake, and Selah is a Hebrew name for a break in music or "to pause").

Monday, November 3, 2008

11/3 Update

Had a crazy night last night. I started having some contractions, which wasn't unusual, but had enough for them to give me a shot to stop them again. Instead of stopping as usual, they got more frequent and stronger. They gave me another shot along with another dose of my regular meds to stop contractions and it didn't seem to be working. Keep in mind that my temp was continuing to go up and I felt crappy and also, the side effects of the shot is a racing heart and anxiety. After all of this, I started losing a ton of blood...more than usual.

They decided to transfer me to labor and deliver, from the high risk maternity area that I'm normally in. They had already given me everything they could for the time being, so I couldn't get any more meds to stop the contractions and we just had to wait and see. After a few hours of contractions, they finally started to go away! They gave me another ultrasound to check positions and my dialation and Baby A is still breech, and is folded up with her butt down bumping my cervix and Baby B is still transverse, which means side to side, not up and down. The tech said it looks like my cervix is about 3.7cm dialated, so it's a little more than the 3cm that I was last Sunday. I was feeling pretty good until my nurse told me they just delivered a 21 weeker at only 4cm dialated. Thanks for that bit of information!

Anyway, I have lost so much blood over the last week that I am pretty anemic and with last night's episode, they decided that I needed a blood transfusion. I am currently getting 2cc of blood in me as I type. I haven't had any more contractions, which is great news, and I should be moving back to my old room soon and out of L&D. On a side note, I really feel like I was coming down with an infection, because I was starting to get all of the signs (elevated white blood cells, high temps, not feeling good), but all of the signs are completely gone at this point. Praise the Lord for that! Last night after I came to L&D, I was also really calm and just knew that I was not about to deliver. I just felt like it wasn't time yet, so I know God is letting me know He is here.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

11/2 Update-22 weeks

The neonatologist came and talked with us last night and she was really great. Very warm and compassionate, unlike some of the peris here. She explained a lot and gave us realistic expectations. She did say she has never seen a 22 weeker survive, but that it does happen but said they usually do live for a few weeks. She said she personally knows a 15 year old girl that is completely healthy and was born at exactly 23 weeks. Once we get to 24 weeks, she said the survival rate goes from practically nothing up to 70%! That is way better than what I read. She also said the steroid shots do help significantly but are best at 24 weeks. I can get them at 23, but they don't have quite the same benefits, so if I seem stable at 23 weeks, I should consider going a little longer. We'll just have to wait and see on that.

Shesaid we also need to understand the risks and that we could have children with serious disabilities, and sometimes they won't even show up until 5 years or so. That's a risk we're going to take though. Rob got to tour the NICU last night and said it was really cool and full of tiny babies! He was really encouraged by what he saw.

Well, lastly, my temp does seem to be creeping up, which is a sign of infection, but not in the danger zone. My nurse said they aren't alarmed until around 100.4 (I think). I've always been in the 98's, but lately am in the 99's. They are checking my white blood cell count daily, which was fine this morning, and that is more definitive sign. We are just praying all the time for God to protect me and these girls and that infection stays away.

Oh, I promised early that I would post a pic. This is actually from a few days ago, but now I have my own room. What a difference that makes!


Saturday, November 1, 2008

11/1 Update

Wanted to let everyone know what happened last night. I started to have some lower back pain earlier in the day, but not too bad. Then, as the evening went on, it started to get worse. I started to feel a lot of low pressure in the front as well. The monitor said that I was having some contractions, so they gave me a shot that stops them completely. I'm also already on two different meds to help keep contractions away that I take regularly. With all of the pressure and her kicking so very low, I was convinced that Baby A was coming last night. My nurse even alerted the neonatal team, just in case. I think the shot helped calm things down and we made it through the night.

This morning I am still having a ton of back pain and some pressure in the front, but not as bad as last night. It's impossible to get comfortable, so I just flip from side to side (not as easy as it sounds) because being on my back, even tilted, is unbearable. Still haven't talked to the neonatologists, but someone is supposed to come by today to discuss what they can and can't do at this age. We did get a statistics sheet that talks about gestational age, survival rates, and the rates of serious long term disabilities. I hate statistics.

I just got off the monitor and had about 5 contractions in the last hour, so they are going to give me another shot. Hopefully it makes them stop. Anyway, please pray that Baby A stays in there!

Friday, October 31, 2008

10/31 Update

Not much news to report today, which is good. Rob and I met with Dr. K last night, after we made our decision. It's funny because option C was never even given to us, but when we told him that is what we were going to do, he seemed to think that it sounded good and went on to tell us how aggressive they would be with treatment. He didn't sugar coat anything though and made it clear that I would get an infection, it was just a matter of when. It's just strange how he seemed to change his tune a little. The nurses are all pulling for us too and seemed very happy with the decision we made. Today went by fast, so now we're just another day closer to the steroid shots. 9 days away, in fact. Stay away infection!

Baby A does worry me a little though, because she is so low! Over the last few days, they keep finding her heartrate lower and lower. It's about as low as it could possibly be. We know she's still breech, but I'm not sure if she's butt down or feet down. I feel more pressure on my bladder too, so I know she is right there, itching to get out. I wish she would just move up a little.

I also wanted to say that Rob and I are truly touched by all of the comments you have all left and we definitely feel your prayers. We just want to say thank you to all of our friends, family, the BBC ladies, and all of the strangers that have taken the time to read the blog and pray for us. I know God is listening.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

10/30 Update #2

Well, got more bad news today and it's not looking good. We still have hope though. Basically, because my water has broken, I am at a huge risk for infection. It's basically when, not if. Since I have twins and since the bag of water is hanging down and I'm a little dialated, it puts me more at risk. Dr. K and the peri consulted today after my ultrasound and then gave me two options:

Option A: Induce labor now and deliver Baby A (who would live for a very short period of time). Then hope that Baby B does not also come down, cut Baby A's cord, shove it all back up, and hope my cervix closes. Then hope that I don't get an infection and try to keep Baby B in for as long as possible. When infection does set it, they would have to deliver Baby B, or both of our lives would be at risk. The chances of saving Baby B this way is less than 2%.

Option B: Induce labor and deliver both babies (who would live for a very short period of time). They actually said 'empty my uterus'. Wow, nice wording.

I told my Dr. K that these two options are not acceptable to me. I asked them what about Option C, which is do nothing. He said we could do that if we wanted, but I am at a huge risk for infection and it's a matter of when, not if. He said infection could set in within hours, days, or weeks. Once signs of infection are here, they would have to immediately induce labor otherwise we would all die from the infection.

Rob and I decided that we will not choose which babies get to live or die and are leaving it in God's hands. So I will either go into labor at any point and deliver, or we just wait for infection and then deliver. Either way, I am hoping that it is weeks or months from now. If we can just get to 24 weeks, they have a chance! Obviously, I have been slightly hysterical on and off today, but am hanging in there. I feel like I'm just not prepared to deal with this all over again, so we really need a miracle.

10/30 Update

Well, I had my ultrasound today and the news was not great. They confirmed that my water from Baby A did break and she is extremely low. Since the bag was no longer there, they couldn't tell how dialated I am from the ultrasound and are going to do an internal exam sometime later today. They had told me previously that nothing would change if my water broke so there is nothing new really. I am still getting antibiotics to keep infection away and they are still giving me meds to stop contractions. I have been having a lot more contractions too, so they are now giving me a couple of different meds to stop labor. I have also been bleeding a lot and they aren't sure why, but it doesn't seem like it could be good news.

I'm trying not to be really upset right now and remember all of the great stories, but it is hard. I feel like I could just go into labor at any time now and they won't be able to stop it. We just need a few more weeks! Please keep praying.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

10/29 Update

Still not much action here, which is always nice. I've been having some issues with my catheter (about as much fun as it sounds) and now everyone thinks that maybe I haven't been leaking as much amniotic fluid as they thought, which would be good. I'm pretty positive my water hasn't broken either, because Baby A is very low and keeps kicking my cervix (little stinker) and I almost feel like I can feel it vibrating all the way through me. That just makes me think that my bag of water is probably hanging pretty low. They did decide to do another ultrasound tomorrow, so they will be able to confirm if my water has broken and see how far I am dialated. I sure hope it hasn't changed for the worse!

I keep hearing more and more stories from people that delivered around 23-24 weeks that are doing good. Thanks for the encouraging news everyone!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

10/28 Update

Not much change today, which is good. I'm still leaking quite a bit of fluid throughout the day, but the peri and Dr. K both seem to think that my water has not broken. There is no way to know for sure without an ultrasound, but I won't get another one unless something changes. Maybe it's better that I don't know because if I found out it did, I may worry a little more.

With all of my free time, I've been looking for survival stories of preemies and have seen some cases of preemies born at 22 and 23 weeks that have not only survived, but haven't had long term issues. I know this is not common, but it does happen. Both doctors have said they will start steroid shots at 24 weeks, but I told them I would like to start at 23 weeks instead. My peri said if I want to do that it's fine. He did say, however, that the goal is to have a child that someday rides the long bus, not the short bus. :) I guess that can be offensive, but I didn't take it that way. I think he's just trying to let me know that chances of having long term issues that early are high. Anyway, he's very positive and seems to think I'll be here for awhile, which is what I want to hear. The steroids are two separate shots, and each shot takes 48 hours before the full benefit is seen, so if I started at 23 weeks, they would be in full affect 4 days later.

They are also going to have a neonatologist come speak with me to give me more information on what to expect. Here is what I've read so far:
  • A baby born at 24 weeks gestation has about a 50 percent chance of survival.
  • A baby born at 26 weeks gestation has about an 80 percent chance of survival.
  • A baby born at 28 weeks gestation has about a 91 percent chance of survival. For a baby born after 28 weeks and weighing more than 3 pounds, the chances of survival are even further increased.
  • After 32 weeks gestation, a baby has a 96 percent chance of survival and a significant decrease in the chances of suffering significant health problems. Babies born between the 34th and 36th week of pregnancy are likely to have minor developmental delays, but are not likely to experience any long-term effects.
I think I've finally gotten used to having my head tilted down and seem to have less headaches now. I got a sponge bath (about as nice as it sounds) last night, so I am feeling better. My hair is getting pretty nasty, but whatever. I'm just going au natural. I may even have Rob take a picture later, so you can see my new home. It may make you a little jealous.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Daily Update

Well, another day down. I've been leaking amniotic fluid since I've been here, but it's possible that my water broke last night. It's hard to say because I was asleep and didn't feel a gush, so just don't know for sure and they just gauge it by how much has leaked out. They can't do any internal exams because if the bag is still there, it will rupture, so not sure if I'm dialated more than the 3cm from yesterday. Still no contractions though, which is good. They are already treating me as if my water broke since I've been here and they won't change treatment either way. I'm on antibiotics to keep infection away and on meds to keep contractions away. Other than that, we wait.

I got my own room yesterday (big yay!), but my roomate's water broke at 18 weeks and is still here and is now 25 weeks, so it can happen! My peri also told me the longest he's seen is a water break at 21 weeks and she didn't deliver until 35 weeks. Another story of hope for me. I'll be 24 weeks Nov 16th, so that is my minimum goal...just three weeks away. My hospital is supposed to have one of best NICU's in northern CA as well, so I'm in the right spot.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Pray for a miracle

Just wanted to update you all on what is going on right now. I took a turn for the worse on Saturday and am on strict bedrest at the hospital. Saturday morning, I went to the bathroom and felt my bag of water coming out! I immediately rushed to the hospital. I am in a hospital bed with the feet up and head down to take the pressure off. They did an ultrasound and could see the bag of waters coming through the cervix, which meant I had to be a little dialated, but not really enough to show much on the u/s. They are giving me meds to try and reduce the amniotic fluid in the hopes that the bag will go back and and they can give me a cerclage (they stitch the cervix closed).

Well, another u/s today revealed that I am now 3cm dialated and the bag of waters is coming out even more, which is not good. This means that I cannot get the cerclage. I am having no contractions, which is good, but am still dialating. Now it is just a waiting game to see when my water breaks. I am currently 21 weeks and if I deliver anytime before 24 weeks, there is no chance that they will survive. There are so many scenarios on what could happen and when, so we really just have no idea what could happen. Obviously, we could lose one or both of our little girls. Once I get to 24 weeks, they will give me steroids to help develop the babies lungs to increase their chance of survival. If we can just make it 3 more weeks, they have a chance!

Rob and I are scared, but hanging in there. Obviously we do not want 3 baby girls in heaven...we want to raise these 2 on earth! We really do appreciate all of your prayers and support. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I do feel a sense of peace right now and that can only come from God at a time like this. I know He hears all of our prayers. I know that God can grant us a miracle and that we can bring these girls home.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

House arrest...I mean rest

Well, we had a little scare last night. I had some spotting and contractions, so we went to the hospital to be monitored. At home, I was having them about every 15 minutes and they were lasting about 20 seconds, so not too bad. After talking to my doctor, I drank a ton of water, which is supposed to help and it did. I decided to go to the hospital anyway, just to be checked out. By the time we got there, the contractions had calmed down a bit and they called it irritable uterus. They gave me some meds to help stop the contractions and then I got a detailed ultrasound. There were no tears in the placenta, which my doctor thought could have been causing the bleeding, and my cervix is long and closed, which means my body isn't getting ready for labor. They told me this is actually quite common with twins and not much to worry about. If I start bleeding again or have more than 6 contractions per hour, then I need to go back. I basically have to just rest and drink a TON of water (like 14 glasses a day).

So I talked to my doctor today to discuss everything and he said that I am now on house rest and can only leave the house for appointments. Also, no more work, so it's disability for me! I can't cook or clean, or anything of that nature, so basically I have to just rest and lay around all day. Not too bad, I guess. I'm sure I'll be dying of boredom soon, but I'll do anything to keep these babies baking.

Just wanted to add that if anyone is thinking that Thanksgiving should now not be at our house, think again! I will want visitors more than ever, and this just allows more people to wait on me. I'm sure Rob will appreciate that. :) Seriously though, we are still having it and I will rest the entire time, so no need to worry.

Please keep us in your prayers!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Oh the possibilities...

The babies are looking good and I am now measuring 32 weeks! So I’ve grown 3 weeks in a one week period. Dr. K says this is totally normal though. I asked him how big I may get and he said it really completely varies, but the biggest he’s seen with a twin pregnancy is 62!! Um…that is scary.

So, I had a conversation with him about all of the possibilities of delivery and the conversation was not what I was hoping to hear. He knows that I do want a vaginal delivery and I do not want an epidural. There seem to be so many scenarios that can happen, and most do not include a drug free vaginal birth. I do realize that twins are riskier and I am very scared about not being able to bring these girls home, so I am going to listen to him…although I may argue a little along the way. I am trying to come to grips that I may have a c-section or an epidural and all that matters is healthy babies, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to cry if that happens. Anyway, here are the scenarios:

A) Baby A & Baby B head down=vaginal drug free delivery
B) Baby A head down & Baby B breech=vaginal delivery w/ epidural IF A is bigger (the epidural is because 1: I may need an emergency c-section and would need the epidural in place [he did give me the option that if I say no to the epidural and a c-section then becomes necessary, I would be put under general anesthesia...not cool] & 2: he may have to reach in and actually turn or pull the baby out with his hand and says I DO NOT want this done without drugs…I may agree with this)
C) Baby A head down & Baby B breech=scheduled c-section IF B is bigger (I will fight this one...he says if B is breech and is bigger, she may 'get stuck'. Ok, seriously? They're going to be small anyway...she is not going to 'get stuck'. If she did, he could reach in and grab her as stated above.)
D) Baby A & B breech=scheduled c-section

So those are my options. Also, no matter what happens, I will be delivering in an operating room, not a delivery room. Sigh. So, I am praying for healthy babies above all else, but also that both babies are head down! I will also resort to chiropractic and acupuncture to get the babies to turn if they are breech. Of course, I’m also going to just tell them that they need to turn and hope they listen to me…otherwise they will be grounded.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

20 weeks

20 weeks
Starting Weight: 147
Weight: 163
Waist @ bellybutton: 39.5"
How big are the babies? Length of bananas

I'm officially half way there! Well, technically, I'm more than half way, because I know I will not be going to 40 weeks. So my belly didn't grow for the first time since I was 8 weeks! I think the cruise week was overload or something and this past week was a week of belly rest. I did gain 1 pound though. Went to the doctors last week (19 1/2 weeks) and I am now measuring 29 weeks! The girls are kicking like crazy, which is very reassuring. It's pretty strange to feel kicks all over my entire belly, but it's also really cool. They're really strong now and usually feel about half of them from the outside. Sadly, Rob hasn't felt them yet, because he's never here. He has been working his little butt off with the business lately, even on the weekends. Poor guy. :( We are now thinking of hiring our second employee because we're getting so busy, which is great news. Then I'll get to see him more.

I'm now seeing the doctor once a week for the time being, more for peace of mind. As I inch closer to 23 weeks, I am trying not to be nervous, but can't help it. This is just one more hurdle for me to get through. We also started interviewing doulas and have two more interviews this week and will then make a decision. In case you're not sure what a doula is, check this out:

Sunday, October 12, 2008

19 weeks

19 weeks
Starting Weight: 147
Weight: 162
Waist @ bellybutton: 39.5"
How big are the babies? Large heirloom tomatoes

So we just got back from the cruise and we had a great time! It was really fun hanging out with the fam. :) I can't believe that I only gained 3 lbs this week...I ate soooo much! Rob gained 3 as well, which is pretty funny. I did start to have some issues this week and I think it's getting worse. Whenever I sit down, after about 15-30 minutes my left side starts to go numb from my hip down to my knee. Once everything is numb, I can feel my nerve being pinched, and it doesn't feel very good. I called my doctor on Friday and I see him on Wednesday, so he told me not to sit for longer than 30 minutes at a time until then...ha! Easier said than done. If it keeps getting worse, I think that I will be out of work sooner than I thought. I'm hoping the chiropractor will help with this as well, so I will try to see one this week.

We went to Apple Hill this weekend and took this weeks belly pic.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

18 weeks

18 weeks
Starting Weight: 147
Weight: 159
Waist @ bellybutton: 38.5"
How big are the babies? Large bell peppers

I'm definitely feeling a lot more movement this week, which is pretty cool. You can't feel it on the outside yet, but hopefully in the next few weeks! I forgot to mention that my peri (high risk specialist) told that when twins have separate sacs, the chance of them being identical when you don't know the genders is 5%. When you find out they are the same gender, the chances go up to 10%. I guess we'll have to see what they look like when they come out! We can always confirm it with a blood test, but if they look totally different then we'll know.


Friday, October 3, 2008

We're having...

GIRLS!!! Yep, we've got two girls in there. I can't believe it! I really thought there was at least one boy in there, but I did have a dream a few weeks ago that it was two I was wrong and my dream was right! :)

They are both totally healthy and everything looks great. Today I am 17w5d and baby A is measuring 18w and baby B is measuring 17w5d exactly. They also both weigh 7 oz, which is great because they want to make sure they are growing the same. Baby A is completely below my belly button and Baby B is completely above my belly button. We confirmed that A is a little spunky and B is totally laid back so far. The tech kept commenting on how A wouldn't stop moving and was just so active and then B just laid there and waved a few times. It was pretty funny.

Ok, so I knew I was getting huge, but I didn't know I was this big. My belly is measuring 26 weeks! So I'm basically the size of someone that is 26 weeks and having one baby.

Baby A-profile

Baby A-It's a girl!
Baby B-profile
Baby B-It's a girl! (The whiteish thing on the inside of the left leg is the umbilical cord)

Sunday, September 28, 2008

17 weeks

17 weeks
Starting Weight: 147
Weight: 157
Waist @ bellybutton: 38"
How big are the babies? Weigh 5 ozs, as much as a turnip



Monday, September 22, 2008

Diapering Options

Ok, I thought I had my mind made up about diapering and now I am torn. Last year I was going to go cloth, then this year I decided to go disposable, only because I found some new diapers from Europe that are non-toxic and biodegradable (made from corn, not plastic). Now I'm thinking more about saving money and frankly, the corn industry is p*ssing me off. Have you seen the ads for High Fructose Corn Syrup lately that is paid for by the corn folks stating 'well, everything is good in's as healthy as honey'. Grrrr...anyway, I digress.

Soooo...I'm researching cloth diapering again and may go with Bum Genius 3.0 cloth diapers, which are actually available at Target and, so I can register for them. Over a 1 1/2 year period, we could save over $1,000 per baby! Yes, that takes into account detergent costs and water and energy for washing them too. Of course it's all an estimation, but that's $2,000 for 1 1/2 years, and they probably will be in diapers longer than that. Not to mention that they can be reused for each baby going forward and get this...they actually have a decent resale value when i'm all done with them!

You can check them out at

I know...when did I become such a hippie?

I've been kicked...

I just felt my first official kick! Who else but Baby A. :) So 4 weeks of flutters, whooshes and an occasional thump, and finally a kick. Yay!!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

16 weeks

16 weeks
Starting Weight: 147
Weight: 155
Waist @ bellybutton: 37"
How big are the babies? Avocados

I grew a whole inch this week. Woo hoo!


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Am I crazy?

Ok, so we bought the nursery furniture. I can't believe we did's so soon. Anxious me said 'what are you thinking?' but practical me said 'you have a coupon for $200 off and it's about to expire'. So practical me won. It's all supposed to be here in about two weeks and then it will take us forever to set it all up. I cleared out the majority of the nursery awhile back and I'm really glad I did because it's getting harder to lift stuff. I'm going to make Rob clean out all of the electronics and boxes that are still in there and then it will be all empty and ready for furniture...and babies!

Oh, so I felt a definite thump today. This was from Baby A, of course, who has been very active for weeks. Baby B is very mellow and doesn't move around as much. I wonder if their personalities will be like that too!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

15 weeks

15 weeks
Starting Weight: 147
Weight: 154
Waist @ bellybutton: 36"
How big are the babies? Apples


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Identical vs. Fraternal

Ok, I've had a lot of questions about the different kinds of twins, so I thought I would explain a little. I've learned alot about twins lately, so here you go.

Fraternal Twins
Fraternal twins are the result when two different eggs are fertilized by two different sperm. This leads to the development of two separate placentas, each with its own chorion and amnion.

Fraternal twins are more common than identical twins and account for about 2/3 of twin pregnancies.

Fraternal twins are more common when:
-there is a family history of twins
-the mother is 'older'
-the mother has had many previous pregnancies
-fertility treatments were used
-sometimes they just 'happen'

Identical Twins
Identical twins develop when a fertilized egg splits. Depending on when the split occurs will determine if the twins share a placenta, with either one or two chorions and amnions, or if they each develop their own placentas. In general, the later the split occurs, the more likely that the twins will share one placenta.

Identical twins are genetically identical, therefore, are always the same gender.

Identical twins are more commone when:
-Nothing! Identical twins are spontaneous and there is no research showing identical twins are linked to anything specific.

Our twins do have separate sacs, as you can clearly see in the ultrasounds pictures, but my doctor cannot definitively say whether they are fraternal or identical. Identical twins can either share a sac or have their own, depending on when they split. If we find out they are boy/girl twins, then we will definitely know they are fraternal. If they are boy/boy or girl/girl, we will never know unless we get a blood test after they are born to see if they are identical.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The date is set...

Ok, so my 'big' ultrasound is set for October 3rd! Let's hope the babies are looking good and show the goods. :) I have a level II ultrasound with the perinatologist to make sure their anatomy looks good and that they are growing at the same rate. Then I have a check up with my OB after that.

We leave for our family reunion cruise down to Mexico on Monday the 6th, so I'm really glad they were able to get me in before we leave. Once we get back, we'll be creeping on 23 weeks and I'm going to be a mess. I may need to go in for weekly ultrasounds for a few weeks, just for a quick scan. I realize how insane that sounds, but with Makenna, at 21 weeks she looked perfect and at 23 weeks she was gone, so I know how fast things can change.

At least the babies are being nice to their mom and moving around like crazy. I'm only 14 weeks but have been feeling them for weeks now and it gets a little stronger each week. I've felt some really strong 'whooshes' (is that a word?) lately, but not quite kicks yet.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Appointment Update

So I think I had the worlds quickest ultrasound today. He spent about 5 seconds on each baby, just enough to see the heartbeats. I was hoping for a little more, but I'll take what I can get. I should find out the genders next appointment, which I'm hoping is in 3 weeks, but it hasn't been scheduled yet.

So when I talked to my dr about stopping work at 30 weeks, he reminded me that he is still recommending that I stop work at 20 weeks, and the only reason he is considering up to 30 weeks is because I work from home. He said it's up to me and if I really really want to keep working to 30 weeks, then he'll let me. So now I'm thinking that maybe I should go out a little sooner! Thanksgiving will be about 25 weeks, so that is a compromise. I guess I'll take it one day at a time.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

14 weeks


14 weeks

Starting Weight: 147

Weight: 151

Waist @ bellybutton: 35.5"

How big are the babies? Lemons

14 weeks

Monday, September 1, 2008


Ok, so I'm signing up for Hypnobirthing again, which I never got to do last time. I just had my first conference call this evening to meet the instructor and get more information and she seems really nice. The goal of hypnobirthing is to help you be in a relaxed state, which leads to a calmer pregnancy and birth...which is exactly what I need. I know some people don't like the word hypnosis, but it is really just when your brain is in a relaxed state, similar to when you are falling asleep...or when you are driving down the road and 'zone out' and can't remember driving the last few miles. Many people have misconceptions about this, but here is what I learned:
-No one 'hypnotizes' put yourself into a state of hypnosis.
-You aren't in a zombie like state where people can make you do things you have no control over; you have free will.

For those of you that are still not comfortable with this, you can call it whatever you like. How about 'relaxation class'? That's really what it is. Although there is about a 50% chance that I will have a C-Section, I am going to do everything that I possibly can to avoid it. Statistically, people that use hypnobirthing have a much lower rate of C-section compared to the general population (12% vs. 30%) and I will take all the help I can get. I really want a vaginal birth with no drugs, and this will help me accomplish this. And if you still don't like it...well, you're not the one giving birth to twins, so please don't judge. :)

13 weeks

13 weeks
Starting Weight: 147
Weight: 149
Waist @ bellybutton: 35"
How big are the babies? Shrimps

I'm finally in the second trimester!! My belly is still growing and I am trying to EAT as much as possible! I'm stuffing my face every few hours to try and gain the weight that I need to. I really didn't gain any weight last time and it worries me that it will happen again. If I don't gain enough, it could be very dangerous for the twins, so I am doing everything I can. I've only gained 2 pounds in the first trimester, which really isn't that much, so I hope it comes on quickly. How is it possible that I gain weight when I don't want to, but here I am trying to gain as much weight as I can and I've only put on 2 measly pounds. Are you kidding me? I know what you're must be so cool to eat anything and everything. Yeah, it's not. I am not that hungry and have to force myself to eat every few hours. Bleh.

Belly Pic #1:

Belly Pic #2:

Monday, August 25, 2008

12 week ultrasound

So today I had the first trimester screening and everything looks great. I got to see them both flipping around, kicking, waving, and sucking their thumbs. It was so awesome!! Here are some pics:

Baby A & B:
Baby A profile:
Baby A sucking its thumb:
Baby B profile with its hand by the face:

Sunday, August 24, 2008

12 weeks

12 weeks
Starting Weight: 147
Weight: 149
Waist @ bellybutton: 34.5"
How big are the babies? Limes

12 weeks

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

10 weeks

10 weeks
Starting Weight: 147
Weight: 147
Waist @ bellybutton: 33.5"
How big are the babies? Kumquats

Well, I seem to be growing by a 1/2" each week, which seems really fast. I'm hoping maybe it slows down a little bit....I'm already huge (see pic). Most of my pants don't fit anymore unless I unbotton them, but I just live in tanks and yoga pants anyway!

10 weeks

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


I had another appointment today at 10 weeks and they both look great. I was so relieved and happy that I cried! I was so incredible nervous. I kept thinking that I just had to get past this appointment so I feel a small sense of relief right now. I'm still nervous, but happy for now! We talked a lot of the pregnancy and here are my rules, since I'm a high risk twin pregnancy:
-No exercise at all except walking
-No sex!
-Stop working at 30 weeks (if I didn't work from home, he said I would stop at 20 weeks!)
-House/Bed Rest at 30 weeks (I can only leave the house to go to appointments!)

Baby A & B

10 weeks-A&B

Baby A

10 weeks-A
Baby B

10 weeks-B

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

9 weeks

9 weeks
Starting Weight: 147
Weight: 146
Waist @ bellybutton: 33"
How big are the babies? Grapes

Look at that huge belly! I can't believe how fast it is growing. I used my doppler today just to see if it would work and I heard the heartbeat!! I can't believe I could hear it so early too! I'm sure it will be awhile before I can hear two different ones, but it was so awesome to hear one!

9 weeks

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

8 weeks


8 weeks

Starting Weight: 147

Weight: 146

Waist @ bellybutton: 32.5"

How big are the babies? Kidney beans

Here's another belly pic. I think it's definitely a little bigger than 6 weeks. I can still hide it with baggy clothes, but any of my tanks show it off for sure! I just compared pictures and measurements from last time and I was this size at 16 weeks! Nice.

8 weeks Pictures, Images and Photos

Monday, July 28, 2008

Wouldn't you know....

So I had another appointment today...and wouldn't you know. It's TWINS!! I can't believe it! I was so prepared at my last appointment and actually expecting twins. When he said there was only one, I didn't really believe him and made him double check! I basically accepted there I was just having one baby. Now today at about 7 1/2 weeks...there are definitely two in there. I saw both heartbeats and they're looking good. Well, now I'm definitely high risk! Whew...I'm definitely still in shock!

8 weeks

Monday, July 21, 2008

6 Weeks

6 weeks
Starting Weight: 147
Weight: 147
Waist @ bellybutton: 32"
How big are the babies? Lentil beans

Well, I thought that I would start my weekly updates. I can already tell that I'm going to show faster this time...because I already have a tiny bump!

6 weeks

Thursday, July 17, 2008


Well, there's only one little bean in there! We had our first ultrasound yesterday and we got to see the heartbeat! My new doctor is really great and said that I can come in whenever I want, even if it's once a week! He said I can get as many ultrasounds as I need to make me feel better, which is really awesome.

As far as exercise, I can't do anything except walk until I'm 14 weeks, then I can do moderate exercise. It's going to be a long 8 weeks, but walking is good. I can't wait until I can do some weight training again.

It's hard to get super excited, but I can't help but think that I may actually come home with a baby in March. It's just too good to be true. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.
6 weeks

Monday, July 14, 2008

Two more days...

Ok, I am so impatient waiting for Wednesday. So either I'm really bloated or I already have a belly. I took at baseline pic at 4 1/2 weeks and had a flat stomach. Now I have a pooch. Nice.

I've also been just a little crampy for the past few days, but it's normal. I had it through the entire first trimester last time and it's just round ligament pain. It's not painful, just uncomfortable.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Round Four!

So my fourth round of numbers came back and at 23 DPO, they were over 24,000! My dr said 'Hopefully on Wednesday we'll see a heartbeat...or two.' I'm a little nervous because it's still pretty early and we're right on the line of seeing a heartbeat or not, so if I don't see one, I'll be freaked out, but it won't necessarily mean anything is wrong. I hope the next few days go by fast! Rob actually said he would be pretty excited if we have twins...I don't think he's thinking straight! I think the idea is great...the reality is a little more scary.

So no more exercise for me either until my appointment. My dr said we'll talk about it more on Wednesday, but I'm curious what he will tell me. I need to exercise!!

So I've definitely had a little more morning sickness. I would say it's been about 4 days now where I've been nausous and a few times where I really thought I would lose it...but so far, so good. I just can't believe I'm feeling sick this early!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


Ok, so my new dr called today to give me my numbers from Monday, when I was 20 DPO, and they were 8602! He said 'we need to start thinking about multiples!'. Ok, so they are definitely a little on the high side. They are actually off the charts on some ranges that I've seen. All I can do is wait until Wednesday!

Also, so I went to the gym today and exercised and it felt really great. I'm not going to Bootcamp anymore :( because my dr said I should stop any 'strenuous exercise', just to be on the safe side, but I can still exercise. Anyway, I did the strength training class, which isn't even that hard, and now a few hours later I am spotting just a tiny bit! I can't believe it. Trying not to freak out, and scared that I did something bad. Also scared that I can't exercise now for the next 8 months!

Friday, July 4, 2008

First Symptoms

Ok, so I actually already started having some symptoms, which is strange, since I'm only four and a half weeks right now! I was totally nauseous yesterday and thought I was was going to throw up for half the day. It wasn't fun. Today I'm a little nausous, but not as bad as yesterday. This is going to get interesting.

I also got my blood work back to make sure that my numbers were doubling and they actually tripled, which is great news!
13 DPO-295
15 DPO-919

My doctor did say they were a little high, plus I feel like I'm having symptoms really early. Hmmm...twins anyone? I guess we'll find out in a few weeks!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


After what seems like an eternity, but in reality was only three months, I finally got my much wanted BFP (big fat positive)! See pics:

So funny story really. We went camping over the weekend and I wasn't sure that I could wait to test until we got back, because I knew that if I was pregnant, it would show up on a test. Soooo, I brought two tests with me. On Saturday, June 28th at 6:30am (the birds woke me up), I went to the stinky outhouse and peed on a stick. I really truly did not think it would be positive, but the faintest line came up. I knew a line was a line, but still didn't believe it. I then proceeded to go into Pam's tent, wake her up, and stick my test in her face. She agreed that there were two lines. Then I went into our tent and woke up Rob and shoved the test in his face, but I'm not sure what he really saw, since he wasn't wearing his contacts. Needless to say, once he figured out what was going on, he was very excited.

So we'll see how insane I become during this pregnancy. I am scared sh*tless, to say the least. I am going to try and be more laidback, which most of you know is not natural for me, but I think that I am already making great strides (see sidebar for new birth plan). If you saw my old birth plan, you would be amazed.

Some things that I have learned:
-Once you hit 12 weeks, you are not in the clear!
-You have no control over what happens and stressing does not change anything.
-Stop and take a breath every once in awhile.
-Prayer works.